


Family Friends?

by liaf_sdrow



Series: Evan Hansen Wasn't/Isn't Alone [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-14
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2019-11-17 18:38:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 27,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18104147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liaf_sdrow/pseuds/liaf_sdrow
Summary: What if Connor and Evan's first time talking had gone a little different? What if they got to be friends? Or more than friends?





	1. All The Things They Have In Common

**Author's Note:**

> Hi people, if anyone is reading this. This is my first thing ever to be posted. I hope you like it, and if I get any characters wrong or if you feel there are any mistakes in mental illnesses, or if anything is wrong at all, please let me know. I'm just really excited to post something.

Jared had just bullied Connor Murphy. That was not good. That was the opposite of good. Evan watched as Jared slinked away and Connor stood, staring at him, livid. His hair was falling in his eyes, his hands were clenched at his side, he was leaning forward. And Evan was being pushed into a corner of lockers. He laughed nervously.

“I’m not a freak,” Connor muttered.

“I know, I was just-” Evan stammered.

“You’re the fucking freak!” Connor’s voice rose.

“I-I know, I-”

“And your BFF over there too! You’re both freaks!”

“He-he’s just a family friend…” Evan faltered even more after that. The label that Jared gave them always made Evan feel like he would never make a real friend, or that Jared would ever actually be his friend, or even nice.

“Wait a fucking minute,” Connor pointed his finger in Evan’s face. “Family friends?”

Evan nodded, shame washing over him. Even Connor, school shooter chic Connor, always high Connor, Connor-who-threw-a-printer Connor, could see he had no friends that wanted to admit it. Now Connor would laugh in his face. “Hi-his mom, sh-she helped m-my mom find a-a house. A-and his parents won’t… won’t pay for his c-car un… unless he hangs out with, w-with me.”

Connor backed away, and Evan took his first deep breath now that he was sure he wouldn’t breathe in Connor’s face, which was twisted into a look of disgust. “I wanna pound that little fucker into the ground.” He looked in the direction that Jared had gone and practically growled, but didn’t move.

“Oh, um,” Evan was surprised Connor didn’t beat him up. “He-he’s always like that, you… you d-don’t need to d-do that…”

Connor glared at the hallway like it would reveal Jared if he scared it enough. Jared didn’t appear. He clenched his teeth. “I really wanna, though.” Connor looked back at Evan, who was still shriveled into the corner of lockers. A few people nearby were watching. “But I won’t.” Connor’s eyes fell on his cast, which was blank. Evan already felt ashamed that no one had signed it, not even his only “family friend.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “How’d you break your arm?”

Evan opened his eyes and Connor was still there. “I, um, I fell,” he put his arm in the air to inspect it. Still white. Still blank. Connor was staring at it.

“I should sign it,” he said, reaching for Evan’s right arm. “That way, we can both pretend we have friends.”

Evan pulled his arm up to his blue and white polo shirt as if to protect it. “You… you really don’t have to…” Evan whispered.

“But I want to,” Connor’s eyes flashed and his voice growled. “You deserve better than that little fuckwad ‘family friend.’” He used quotes with his hands. “He didn’t even sign it, did he.” It wasn't a question. “Do you have a sharpie?” Evan gave his arm over to Connor and nodded.

Evan studied the floor as Connor took his time writing his name. When Connor capped the marker, Evan looked up.

“See ya,” Connor turned and walked away, and put a hand over his shoulder and waved a little, but he never looked back.

“Bye…” Evan whispered even though Connor couldn’t hear him from so far away. He wasn't walking in the direction of any classes, though. He was walking towards the parking lot. Should Evan say something? But what? “Hey, where are you going?” No. Too annoying and five-year-old-ish. “Aren’t you going to class?” No. Too worrisome.

Guess he won’t say anything. It’s better that way. Connor was already out of sight, anyway.

Evan walks to his first-period class, his mind in a fog. He looks at the cast. In big, bold letters is CONNOR. And underneath, smaller letters. And some numbers. Ten numbers, to be exact.

text whenever your shitty “family friend” is being a dick. or any other time, if you want to. i don’t have a bedtime.

Maybe, a real friend?

There were so many reasons not to ever text Connor. Connor had a reputation, ever since kindergarten when he shoved glue in someone’s mouth. He threw things when he got mad. He beat people up. He got high in school. He disappeared for a few years, apparently in rehab. What if he made Evan do drugs? Or drink? He wasn’t supposed to with his medication. Or what if he was really kidding and didn’t want to be friends? He was the school shooter. He never wore anything other than black, he painted his nails, his hair was long. He was the opposite of Evan.

But maybe those were all the reasons to text Connor.

Connor had been angry at Jared seemingly for him, but Connor was also kind of mean to Evan, growling and pointing and calling him a freak. He hadn’t apologized, but he had signed his cast. “Maybe people could sign your cast,” Evan’s mom had said. She would be happy.

So, once Evan’s day was over, finally, and he got a text from his mom saying she had another shift so she couldn’t take him to his therapy appointment, he decided to skip it.  
Once at home, he started to think about what he could send to Connor. While he mindlessly watched TV, he thought about Connor. Should he even text him at all? Maybe Connor is as pathetic as Evan is. Maybe he needs a friend too. He decided to go for it.

Evan: Hi, this is Evan. I hope this is okay.

Evan paused for a minute, then two, and no reply.

It was 8:30 at night. Maybe he was already in bed. Maybe his phone was charging. Maybe he didn’t want to be friends. Maybe he was out. Maybe he had forgotten who he was, just as everyone else did.

Or maybe he was typing back!

Connor: you’re fine. what’s up. is your family friend being a dick.

Evan stared at his phone. Connor replied! Connor actually cared. Or was pretending to, anyway. Evan would take it either way.

Evan: No, Jared didn’t talk to me for the rest of the day. I just thought I would text you, is this okay?

Oh, God. Evan had probably ruined everything again. God, what the actual fuck.

Connor: that sounds like a pretty dickish move to me

That was true. Sitting alone at lunch had felt like everyone’s eyes were on him. Look at the loser who’s sitting by himself. Let’s stare at him until he cries!

But he hadn’t cried. An accomplishment, really.

Connor: and no, i said you were fine. i wasn't doing anything anyway.

Well, didn’t they have so much in common.

Evan: Neither am I. Well, I skipped my therapy session. But I wouldn’t be there right now anyway.

Was Evan telling too much? I mean, something was obviously wrong with Evan, but maybe the therapy comment was too much. Connor didn’t want to hear about his pathetic life. Or his overexplaining. He could have just said he was supposed to go somewhere but decided to stay in. He could have stopped at “neither am I.” Maybe he should delete the text and start over. Then three dots came up and it was too late.

Connor: maybe you should go to that

Connor: that sounded mean. i didnt mean it like that. i used to be in therapy, too. didnt work for me.

Connor: tmi right

So Connor was open to sharing. That was good.

Evan: No, it’s not TMI. And I’m sorry about therapy. I’m not sure it’s working for me, either. But it makes my mom happy when I go.

Connor: it makes my mom happy when theres something to do for me. when shes actively fixing me

Connor: but its okay, you know

Lots of things were shitty with Evan’s life. He didn’t have any friends, only a Jared. His dad was nonexistent. He was sort of poor. He had anxiety and medication for it. But he had a mom, a great mom, and no matter how distant they got, with Heidi working and her classes, they would never really fall apart. They would always be in each other’s sight.

Connor didn’t have anyone.

Evan: I’m sorry, it doesn’t seem okay.

Connor: youre right

A minute or so of no one saying anything.

Evan: So, I didn’t notice you in school for the rest of the day.

Connor: i hid in my sisters car

Connor: im not supposed to drive

Connor: i crashed my car into a tree

Evan is almost surprised by this. Like, oh, crashing my car into a tree is an everyday thing. Another day, another car in a tree. No big deal.

Evan couldn’t drive either. Another thing in common.

Can’t drive, no friends, nothing to do. They were meant to be.

But Evan had to say something.

Evan: Poor tree!

Connor: ??

Oh God, that was probably rude. He crashed himself into a tree and Evan was worried about the tree.

Evan: I… like trees?

Connor: of course. you seem like a tree person.

Evan: Thank you?

Connor: youre welcome.

Connor: see you around tree man.

It was actually nice talking to Connor. Evan had a nickname, too, other than “family friend,” which felt more like an insult.

“Tree Man.”

Man.

Connor thought Evan was a man, not a boy.

Somehow, that warmed him. He fell asleep with a smile.


	2. Just Regular Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor's POV of the same day, some Zoe info.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is mention of suicide in here, and, obviously, suicide is never the way to go. If you even think about it, let someone know.
> 
> Thank you for reading again! Every hit, kudos, and comment makes my day 100% better. I hope you like this chapter. I'm really new to this and I've only posted this one thing ever, so I'm really excited about everything. Until the feeling of excitement wears off, I'm going to be posting a lot, but after that, I'm hoping once or twice a week I will post. School is hard and I'm trying out for an orchestra thing so, stress ya know. Anyway, have a great pi day.

The ride to school was agonizingly silent. Zoe said nothing, Connor said nothing. The fight from that morning was fresh in their heads.

There really was nothing to talk about anyway. And Zoe sure as hell didn’t want to talk to Connor. Who would, really? So Zoe kept her eyes on the road and Connor kept his eyes out the window.

There was a time when Connor and Zoe were close, forever ago. Before Zoe started school, she didn’t know anything about what was going on with Connor at school, or how it might affect her. She was four, and Connor was five, and they were close, and their parents were happy. Sometimes they fought when Connor did something bad at school, but it wasn't anything wrong with Larry and Cynthia. It was all Connor’s fault. But it didn’t affect Zoe.

Until she started school. The kids in her class knew from their siblings about Connor. They assumed about Zoe. She hardly had any friends.

Zoe knew Connor didn’t do it on purpose. But she knew that if she was around Connor too much, people would start to think things. They would think that Zoe would try to throw printers too, or shove glue in their mouths, or push them down a flight of stairs.

They fell apart.

Now, people knew Zoe was not like Connor, and she had a few friends. A table full. And that was enough. She had Bee. She had her jazz band.

But she didn’t have Connor, and she didn’t really want Connor, anyway. He had changed so much since his pre-kindergarten days.

Sometimes, she kind of wished that they were closer.

One of Zoe’s favorite books was Go Ask Alice. It’s supposed to be a diary from an actual person, but everyone thinks it was written by Beatrice Sparks. There was this one part in the book that, especially today, or whenever she was thinking about Connor, touched her. It was something like “People say you only have two really good teachers in your lifetime. With my luck, I bet both of them were in kindergarten and first grade.”

Zoe sort of feels like that, like she only gets two good times with Connor and those times already passed, with her luck.

Maybe that’s why Zoe never tried to get closer to Connor. The time has already passed. Things are different. And Connor will never be like he was before school. And that’s why she never will.

\-----

“Hey!” someone yelled across the parking lot. “Zoe!”

It was Bee, Zoe’s best friend. They were in jazz band together.

Bee and Connor had a great relationship. Bee ignored Connor, and Connor didn’t bother Bee. But that didn’t mean they liked each other. Connor scowled at the sight of this frizzy haired mess. She plays bass. That pretty much says it all.

“Oh my God, Zoe,” Bee screeches, ignoring Connor, who is rolling his eyes. He’s almost excited to go to school if he can get away from this. Almost. “I have soooooo much to tell you!” She singsonged the last words. This girl.

Zoe eyes Connor. “Let’s sit in the car and talk.”

How does Zoe put up with that girl?

Connor walks through the parking lot with his head down and his hood up. The biggest struggle for him right now is remembering where his locker was. It could be this one?  
“Love the new hair length. Very school-shooter chic,” a guy mutters under his breath. Does he think Connor can’t hear him? Just because he does what he wants and pays attention to nothing doesn’t make him fucking deaf. Connor turned around and glared at the guy. He was wearing a red shirt and had glasses. Fucking nerds. And the guy next to him, in a blue polo. And a blank cast. And his face… wow.

Ten minutes later, Connor is walking out to Zoe’s car. Zoe and Bee are just walking into school.

Women.

“Can I have the keys to your car?” Connor asks. He’s tired. This day has only begun, and it’s too much. Cute guys. That guy in the cast. God, what a fucking gay mess.

Zoe looks hesitant. “You are not driving my car.”

Connor forgot about that part. The part where he’s not allowed to drive due to the fact he drove his own car into a tree.

“Just let me hide in your fucking car!” Connor just wants to be away from this. He might have classes with Cast Guy. Connor has seen him around before, but damn. He never looked like that before, not that Connor had noticed.

Zoe gives in and walks Connor over to the car to unlock it. She’s still not giving Connor the keys. She doesn’t need to be in any trouble.

Connor lies in the car for the whole day, just thinking. Thinking about the whole conversation he had with Cast Guy. He doesn’t even know his name, Jesus Christ.

This whole situation is really bad. The last time Connor liked someone, it ended terribly. The one friend he had was gone. The only friend he ever had.

What if Cast Boy wanted to be his friend? Connor would be okay with that. But Connor is definitely not okay with liking Cast Boy and being his friend.

All afternoon, Connor sat in the car and listened to music. He gave his fucking number to Cast Boy. Would he actually text him? Or would his perfect name kick in again and ruin any chances he had with Cast Boy?

Maybe it was for the better if Cast Boy never texted him. Because if Cast Boy did text him, they would become friends, and then Connor would inevitatbly fall for him. And Cast Boy might not even be into him. No, Cast Boy liking Connor would be social suicide. Cast Boy even being his friend would be social suicide.

Suicide, suicide.

What if Connor just did it. Just took some pills and fell asleep.

Miguel wouldn’t miss him. They hadn’t talked in months. That was one of the reasons Connor wouldn’t, no, couldn’t fall for Cast Boy. This couldn’t be Miguel 2.0. If they ever got to be friends, Connor wouldn’t fall for him. Done. Check.

And Cast Boy? They didn’t even know each other.

The people at school would be happy to see him go.

His family, well, Zoe wouldn’t miss him, and his dad… his dad didn’t notice him when he was there. His mom might cry for a few days.

But soon he would be gone for good.

It was too much to think about right then.

\-----

“What the fuck are you still doing here?”

Connor shook himself awake. There was Zoe’s face in the open door. Definitely what Connor wanted to see right away after a nap.

“I was just…”

“Just hiding in my fucking car all day long?” Zoe was screaming. Bee, behind her, was laughing. “Have you eaten anything?” Her eyebrows sunk into her face. “Dad is going to smack your fucking ass!”

Connor sat up. “Larry will be fine. He doesn’t care. Let’s go home.”

It was clear Zoe did not want to do anything that Connor said. But, for literally the first time in ever, Connor was right. At home, Connor would be in trouble.

Zoe said goodbye to Bee and got in the car, and another silent ride commenced.

At home, Cynthia was disappointed that Connor missed, and Larry was mad. But Connor retreated to his room.

In his hand was a whole bottle of pills from the bathroom. If he just pop-pop-popped them, all of this would go away. There would be no more friendships to ruin, or sisters to disappoint, or parents to anger.

Something held him back, though.

It was the ten letters he wrote on a blank cast in a moment of idiocy.

If Cast Boy texted him, he would stay. If he didn’t he would go away.

For an hour, Connor sat there. His hands got sweaty.

Another hour.

And a few minutes.

And-

Buzz, buzz.

The pills dropped on the floor as Connor reached for his phone, which was lit up by the words “1 New Text Message.” And underneath that, “Unknown Number: Hi, this is Evan. I hope this is okay.”

Evan must be Cast Boy.

“Hi, this is Evan. I hope this is okay.”

This was more than okay. This was great! A guy from school, who knew him, who knew his past, who knew his reputation, texted him! A cute guy, at that.

No. Connor couldn’t like Evan.

So, Connor wouldn’t fall for Evan.

But they could be friends.

Friends.

Not family friends.

God, that name got to Connor for some reason. That glasses guy was a dick.

But not family friends.

Just regular friends.


	3. Real Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor gets mad at Evan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading again, everyone. Have a great day. Please let me know if I get anything wrong, thank you!

Evan’s phone was dead. He fell asleep on it last night. He just wanted to keep Connor’s words close to him and didn’t think about what might happen, for once in his life. It was probably good that he didn’t worry, but now he was worried even more. What if something bad happened to his mom? What if something bad happened to him? And he didn’t have his phone so he couldn’t do anything and there was no one else around and-

It’s just one day without a phone. He plugged it in so it would be ready once he got home.

Evan boarded the bus and sat in the middle. The middle was safe. In the front were the freshmen losers, and in the back were the bad, loud kids. In the middle, nothing happened. Evan liked it there.

It was bright outside since it was still basically summer. Evan couldn’t even enjoy it.

Evan walked to his locker after unloading off the bus. His locker was pretty bare. There were no pictures or anything on the inside, and all he had on the shelf were his books and school stuff. He didn’t have anything to put up there anyway.

He stared at the blank grey wall. Connor was pretty much the first thing to ever happen to him. The first thing that happened to him that he felt good about. And it was always with him, on his arm. Every time he thought he was alone, he could look at his arm, and he could see with his own eyes that he wasn't.

It might be enough to get him through today.

“You should totally try out for this play!” some kid was screaming in Evan’s ear.

So maybe some cemented fabric on Evan’s wrist wasn't going to help him get through the day.

 

“I, uh,” Evan turned around and this short little sophomore was waving a flier in his face. “Wh-why?”  
“Well you just seem like the kind of person who would be good at speaking in front of other I mean I think you would do well in our play we’re doing Our Town and it’s really fun and you’ll definitely get a role,” this guy rambled. “Anyway just take a flier and think about it auditions are after school next week Friday hope to see you there!” He shoved a flier in Evan’s hands and walked away, planning his next victim.

“Oh, n-no thank you…” But the guy was already shoving another flier in someone else’s face.

Evan would never try out for a play. Talking in front of people? Hell to the no. But he kept the flier folded up in his back pocket.

He thought about it in all of his first-period classes, mostly because there was nothing else to think about. Why would that guy even come up to him, anyway? Anyone but him.

Lunch (with Jared) came and went and soon fourth-period was upon Evan. He walked in and there was Connor Murphy in the back of the classroom. His one friend. Evan smiled and gave a little wave, but Connor turned away and scowled.

Did last night not happen? Did Connor not call Evan “Tree Man”? Had he not cared about Jared being a dick? Had they not TMIed over therapy and making mothers happy?  
So Evan didn’t take the seat next to Connor. He sat farther away.

\-----

Connor: want to sit with me at lunch

Connor: i mean neither of us have anyone to sit by, so

Connor: okay well meet me outside if you want to

Three texts. He sent Evan three texts! You can’t ignore three consecutive texts! And then you can’t just walk into class and smile your stupid cute smile and wave and act as if nothing happened. Like you didn’t just stand someone up.

Haha. Connor shouldn’t even think that Evan stood him up. Because they would have to be dating for him to “stand him up,” right? And they weren’t dating. Which made Connor even angrier, for some reason. Connor had somewhat opened up to Evan. He doesn’t just go around telling everyone “even my mother thinks I’m a mess,” or “I was in therapy but it didn’t work.” Friends talk to each other in person, right? So, Evan was just being a dick.

Or maybe a few words on a cast and a half hour of texting doesn’t make people friends. Connor thought it did. But, clearly, Connor doesn’t have much experience with friendship. And apparently, he never will, seeing as the one person he got to talk to him won’t even sit with him. And even though he didn’t want Evan to sit next to him, it still hurt when he choose a seat that wasn't next to him.

It wasn't worth it. Evan wasn't worth it. Evan had saved his life, albeit unknowingly and unintentionally, but still, Connor thought Evan was worth it.

It wasn't even worth how this morning went when his mom came into his room to make sure he got up and found a whole bottle of pills on the floor and totally freaked. Connor managed to convince her that he could go to school. He would have stayed home if it weren’t for Evan.

He should have gone through with it when he had a chance. Because now Cynthia has probably taken anything he could have done anything with. So now he’s stuck here until he can find some other way. Goody.

At home, Connor lays on his bed, nothing to do. Well, technically, his homework could be done, but when was the last time Connor ever did any of his homework? Cynthia came in and offered a snack or “anything that he wanted” once, but what he really wanted was a knife to sink into his Evan-obsessed heart, but Cynthia had already hidden all of the knives.

All he could do was wait until tomorrow came. And it was only 4.

God, he was so bored.

Until his phone buzzed.

\-----

Connor: want to sit with me at lunch

Connor: i mean neither of us have anyone to sit by, so

Connor: okay well meet me outside if you want to

As soon as Evan got home and he checked his phone, everything made sense. Why Connor had glared at him and ignored him when he tried to talk to him. He had to do something. He actually had wanted to sit by him but didn’t know where he was or if that was even okay. He pushed his way into Jared’s table and took a spot there. Jared had been very confused when he saw CONNOR on his cast and angry when he saw the note.

“Let me sign my fucking name, Hansen.” Jared rummaged through his backpack and came up with a red marker. He wrote in the same size over Connor’s letters, JARED. The black leaked into the red a little bit. Then Jared aggressively clicked the marker shut and shoved it in his backpack. He took a sip from his juice box and went back to his computer. The rest of the lunchtime passed by in fuming silence from Jared.

Evan: I’m so sorry, my phone was dead when I woke up and I left it at home to charge! I’m so sorry I would have sat by you if I had my phone.

Five minutes passed, then ten, and no answer. Evan had managed to piss off his one friend in a day. Maybe they weren’t even friends. They probably weren’t. He probably-  
Was texting him back!

Connor: how do i know ur not lying

Evan laughed to himself. Evan, lie?

Evan: I really don’t do lying.

Evan: You can always tell when I’m lying in person. My ears turn all red.

A beat, then another.

Connor: why don't we meet in person then

Evan: Okay!

That wasn't enough time in between texts. The ! was unnecessary. Connor’s going to take the offer back. Ugh, ugh, UGH!

But then Connor replied in a wink, too. Evan exhaled.

Connor: sounds great. wanna go right now?

Connor: oh fuck

Connor: i cant drive, can you

There was a difference between Connor’s not being able to drive, and Evan’s. At least Connor could drive! Like he knew how to! The only reason he couldn’t drive was probably because of some spooked deer. In this situation, Evan was the spooked deer. Evan couldn’t drive at all, because he was afraid. He needs to stop being so afraid.

Evan: Um, no.

Connor: well, fuckety fuck fuck

Evan: Well, there is one solution…

Connor: im not sure i like the sound of this

Evan: Jared.

Connor: ...


	4. Non-Dates And Jared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is forced to drive Connor and Evan to A La Mode and they bond in person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading again, I know I posted earlier today but I have so many things to add to this... Gah I know what's going to happen and it's great and I can't wait to get there with you! I know I'm being a total cliche with the A La Mode thing but where else were they supposed to go?

Jared was playing video games in his room when his phone rang. That didn’t normally happen. He looked over and “Hansen” was flashing on his screen. He paused the game.

“What do you need?” he said once he picked up the phone. Normally, he and Evan texted. Something must be up.

A pause.

“Hansen? You there?”

“Yeah. Um,” A shaky breath was heard. “Well, I-I need a… favor.”

“Sorry, Hansen,” Jared said, picking up the controller and unpausing the game. “No can do. I’m in the middle of something. I’m about to beat this level.”

“Oh, that-that sucks,” Another shaky breath. “Be-because I need yo-you to drive me some… somewhere.”

“And why should I? I told you, I’m in the middle of something.”

“We-well…” Evan started. Jared could tell he was nervous. “It would be a sh-shame if… if my mom somehow… somehow knew that you didn’t, didn’t give me a ride…”

Jared was more focused on the game before, but now…

“What did you say?” Did Evan just stand up to Jared? This had never happened before.

“I-I said that it-it would be a sha-”

“I know what you said, Hansen!” Evan had Jared in a checkmate. Jared had to give Evan a ride to wherever he wanted or else his car would be taken away. And then he couldn’t drive anyone anywhere. Fuck.

“B-but you said-”

“I know what I said, Hansen!” Jared paused for a second, making up his mind. He sighed. “I’ll be there in fifteen minutes...”

\-----

Twenty minutes later, Evan was in Jared’s car riding shotgun. Jared was very angry. Evan hated making people angry, but he had some strange desire to see Connor in person.

“So, where are we going?” Jared said through gritted teeth.

“1220 Adams Road,” Evan looks at the address written on his hand.

Jared looks over to Evan. “Adams Road? Isn’t that a Rich Street?” The words were definitely capitalized. “What are you doing over there?”

Jared would get pissed if he knew he was going to drive to Connor Murphy’s house and then let him sit in his car. So Evan said “Picking up a friend…”

Jared laughed. “You’re still Evan Hansen, right?” Evan turned red. “No, really, what are we doing? Robbing someone’s house?” Jared is such a fucking riot.

“Just, just drive, Jared…” Evan sighed.

“I never thought Evan Hansen would get a friend!” Yes, yes, Jared, we know that Evan is totally and completely pathetic. Can we please talk about something else? “And a Rich Friend!” This cracked Jared up. Yeah, this was so fucking funny. “Are their parents paying this kid to hang out with you, the pitiful kid with a broken arm?” Keep on laughing, Jared, like every second this goes on isn’t making Evan regret everything.

Finally, they pull up to a very fancy house with a long driveway. Jared even shuts up for a second to stare at the trees and the bushes and the door.

“Shit, Evan, who lives here?” And the silence is broken.

Evan opens the door and steps onto the neat path that leads to a fancy front porch (with pillars!) with a fancy red door, stomach churning. There are so many ways this could go horribly wrong. Jared is on his heels.

A few seconds after Evan rings the doorbell, a woman, probably early-forties, opens the door and smiles at them. She’s wearing a black blouse and white pants that look pricey, and her hair is dyed and done.

“Hello,” she says not unwelcomingly. “Can I help you with something?”

Evan is sort of focused on how nice the inside looks and-is that a chandelier? He almost doesn’t hear this woman.

“Oh, um,” he starts. “Yes, well-”

“Mom!” someone barks behind her. He’s putting on a (black, of course) sweatshirt and is very annoyed at his mom.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Jared says under his breath. Connor seems to hear and glares at him. Jared shrivels and instead stares at the girl peeking out from what must be the living room. Neither of the boys can really tell since it looks nothing like either of their living rooms. Is this a house people live in or a magazine?

“Are these friends of yours, Connor?” Mrs. Murphy is delighted to see that her son has someone to hang out with. Connor grunts. Mrs. Murphy looks at Jared and Evan expectantly.

“I, um, I’m Evan Hansen, and this is my, m-my friend, Jared Kleinman.” Evan is almost sweating. Talking! Gah! “We, we just thought we might, uh, go out for a bit?”  
Mrs. Murphy’s eyes almost bug out of her skull. “Well, I’m so ha-”

“Okay, let’s go!” Connor busts out the door. Evan and Jared stare at Mrs. Murphy for a second before muttering a “bye” and following Connor.

Connor takes a seat in the back and Jared and Evan are in the same spots as before. When they drive off, Mrs. Murphy is still looking out the open door like she just saw a unicorn. Maybe Connor going out is almost as rare as seeing a unicorn, though. Connor stares out the window and ignores her.

\-----

Connor directs Jared to an ice cream parlor, and those are the only words spoken in the car. Otherwise, it’s a totally silent and totally awkward ride.

Once they get to A La Mode, they walk up to the counter with all of the ice creams. Connor gets chocolate in a cone, Jared gets the superman sherbert every ice cream shop has, and Evan gets vanilla in a dish.

“Vanilla?” Jared says when they sit down at a booth, Jared on one side and Connor and Evan on the other. “Why vanilla?”

Evan looks lovingly at his dish. “It-it’s simple, it tastes good, and, and it makes me not think so much…” Vanilla was perfect. Every place had vanilla, so he didn’t have to worry about getting another flavor or getting stuck on another flavor that wasn't there all the time. He would always know that he could say “vanilla” and it would be there.

Connor nods and gets started on his ice cream. Jared gives one uncertain look to Evan and then digs in on his own cone. They all sit there like that for a minute before Connor stops eating and looks at Jared. Jared looks up mid-lick.

“Heh?” he asks, tongue full of ice cream. “What?”

“Could you maybe leave?” Connor gives a steady stare to Jared, who looks confused and a little hurt.

“What?” he asks again. Then his face is full of realization. “Oh, I see, this is a date!” Evan and Connor both redden. “Well, then, I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone. I’ll be in the car once you’re done passionately making out!” And with a suggestive wiggle of the eyebrows, he was out the door.

“I, uh,” Evan can’t look Connor in the eye. “This… this isn’t a-a date, right? Did I accidentally ask y-you on a date?”

Connor’s face turns even redder. Evan didn’t know that Connor could blush. “I don’t think so…” He looks at Evan. “I mean, I’m gay, so, who knows?”

Now it was Evan’s turn to blush (even more than he was before). “O-oh, uh…”

“Are you one of those homophobic people?” Connor asks, eyebrows knitted. “Because if you are, we can leave.” He looks almost ready to leave the booth, but he’s on the inside. Evan doesn’t want him to go.

“N-no!” This is the loudest Connor’s heard Evan. “I mean, uh, I’m bi, s-so… no.”

Connor’s eyebrows shoot up, and, is that a hint of a smile? “Cool, cool.”

A minute goes by in awkward silence. Evan can’t stand it.

“I’m s-sorry about Jared…” he says. It is something to say, after all.

“Yeah…” Connor's eyes wander around the room and then settle on Evan. “I know, he’s just like that. The “family friends” thing kind of gets to me, though.” He looks at Evan, and then he continues as if Evan just gave him permission to continue. “It’s kind of shitty. It’s like saying “I’m your friend but I don’t want to admit it.” I’ve just…” He pauses, lost in thought. “I’ve just, been in that position before, and it doesn’t feel good.”

Evan thinks about that for a second. Why doesn’t he just tell Jared to fuck off? But then he wouldn’t have anyone at all. A shitty “family friend” is better than no friends at all. Sitting at lunch with someone your mom forces you to be friends with in silence is better than sitting by yourself.

“Th-thanks,” Evan says after a minute. Connor looks over as if he doesn’t know what Evan means. “Like, um, I don’t kn-know…. But, I mean, that’s… that’s how it feels, so, thank you.”

“You’re welcome, Tree Man.”

Evan smiles and takes a bite.

When they walk out to the car ten minutes later, Jared is sitting smugly in the driver’s seat. “Didja guys have fuuuuuun?”

Connor rolls his eyes and groans, but Evan says “yeah.”

Because he did have fun, just not the fun Jared thinks he had. Jared doesn’t really think this was a date anyway, did he? Nah. And Evan just can’t get out of his head the way Connor licked the cone. God, he was a freak. Even though he might (might) have had his hopes up now that he knew Connor was gay, he was not (note to self: not) going to fall for Connor. Other people might not want to be associated with Connor for the school-shooter things, and the drugs thing, and the throwing-a-printer thing. But Evan didn’t care about all that. Evan didn’t want to burden himself on Connor. So he would never fall for him. Even though he had a great tongue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Do you agree with the ice cream flavors and the people? (Evan and vanilla, Connor and chocolate, Jared and superman sherbert) Comment!


	5. Unintentional Sleepover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor convinces Evan to try out for Our Town and they practice at Evan's house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Thanks for reading! I especially want to thank royalworldtraveler bc they're amazing, READ THEIR STUFF. Anyway, have a great night/day!

It was Friday and Evan was still thinking about that sophomore who came up to him the other day. He was studying the flier again when he went to sit down with Connor for lunch outside again.

“Wassat?” Connor asked, mouth full of burger.

They were in the courtyard where a lot of other people were, since it was pretty nice out, but they had their own little shady corner patch of grass where no one bothered them. People stared, and of course they did. It wasn't every day that Connor Murphy talked to someone without the hostility. And they stared at Evan too, by association. He had Connor’s name in big bold letters on his cast. Well, and JARED over it. Connor was displeased by that. To say the least, Connor and Jared did not get along. It was like they were fighting for Evan’s attention. Which was really weird to Evan, because Jared never seemed to care if Evan hung out with him or not unless his car was riding on it. And here was Connor, someone who genuinely seemed to care about Evan. If you were Evan, who would you choose? The guy whose harrassed you half your life or the school bad boy who has interest in you?

Connor was also cuter than Jared.

Evan didn’t really like all the attention he got from being with Connor, but he really liked Connor, even if they hadn’t quite found their rythym yet. It was only two days of being officially friends, so they had all the time in the world. Or all the time in senior year.

“I-it’s a flier…” he said, still looking at it. In big, bold letters was “Try-outs for Our Town!!!” Underneath it told all about the audition and how it will work and all that. You had to read in front of other people and they would judge you on that. There were twenty-two roles they needed to cover and they wanted to have some understudies, too. “If you don’t make the cut or aren’t interested in the spotlight, join stage crew!”

“For what?” Connor grabbed the flier and looked at it. “Oh, I’ve seen these around.” Connor looked up at Evan, who was still standing up. “You gonna try out?”

“O-oh,” Evan stuttered and blushed. “No…” He sat down across from Connor and opened his lunch.

“Why not?”

Connor didn’t know why not. He didn’t know about Evan’s medication. He could tell that Evan was way more nervous than other people, but not how severe it is. “I…” he started. How could he explain this without making Connor want to scream and run away? “I’m not good at t-talking in front of p-people.” A cursed memory popped into his head. “Once, I-I had to, to do an oral report, and… and in-instead of reading m-my report, I… I said “um, u-um, um” the en… entire t-time.”

Connor scoots up so that his knees are touching Evan’s. Evan’s breath is taken away, partly because he’s never been this close to Connor (or someone as beautiful) and can count tiny freckles on his face, partly because he doesn’t want to breathe in Connor’s face.

“I’m sorry…” Connor’s voice is soft and genuine. He stops eating to look Evan in the eyes. “That sounds awful.” He tucks a strand of hair behind his ear without breaking eye contact. “But maybe you should, you know, try out.” He smiles hopefully. Their faces are only inches apart. “It could be fun.” Connor puts down his burger, picks up the flier, and studies it. “A week from today? We could pick up a script from the library and practice if you want.”

“I can’t do it alone…” Evan is uncertain. He really couldn’t go on that stage and say words in front of other people. Well, “say” is the wrong word. It’s more like “stutter.” Or “um.” Then Evan can practically see a lightbulb pop up over Connor’s head. Ding! “Wh-what…?” He says suspiciously.

“What if I tried out with you?” Connor looks delighted. Burger forgotten, he reaches for Evan’s shoulders and shakes them a little. “Hey, if you mess up, I’ll go up there and make a complete fool outta myself! Are people gonna remember you or the anger-issues-drug-guy?” That was true, at least. And Evan couldn’t say no to Connor.

Evan doubted he would make it, and he was totally fine with that. This could be fun, he guesses. With Connor, it could be fine.

“O-okay…” Evan looks down after he catches a glimpse of Connor’s wide grin. He’s never seen him so happy. And even though Evan just said he would talk in front of people whose job is literally to judge people on their talking skills, he felt better than he had before. “W-wanna come over a-after school today?... W-we could go over the script…”

Connor’s grin grows. “I’ll be there.”

\-----

Connor is on Evan’s bus. Connor is going to Evan’s house. Connor is sitting next to Evan. Connor is with Evan. Connor is with Evan!

But no, no, no. Connor can’t be like this with Evan, because he can’t lose Evan. Remember Miguel. Ha! As if he could ever forget Miguel.

Connor could never like Evan because he would lose Evan. He can’t get his hopes up that maybe, maybe, Evan likes Connor too. Even if Evan did like Connor, Connor would push him away, and then Evan would be broken. And so would Connor. Honestly, even this friendship could hurt Evan or Connor or both of them, and Connor is already in way too deep.

So maybe he did like Evan, a tiny bit. And he liked Evan when he was nervous. He liked Evan when he stuttered and flushed and looked away, and he wondered what it would be like to kiss him. Connor read in a book, somewhere, where someone kissed the part of another’s hair. And now, if Connor could have one dying wish, he might choose to kiss Evan’s part.

Nope, Connor was not thinking about this, and he was definitely not staring at Evan, who was staring peacefully out the window. Well, as peaceful as Evan could get. Every time Evan saw a tree his leg bounced. His leg was a pogo stick.

Without even thinking, Connor reached down to put his hand on Evan’s leg. Evan looked up and blushed. Connor didn’t even realize he was smiling. “Thanks…” Evan whispered.  
They got off the bus at Evan’s stop and walked to his house. Evan looked sort of ashamed at his tiny house, but Connor liked it. He kind of hated his house, with its high ceilings and fancy furniture and a million rooms. This place was homey, messy. The opposite of his house.

“Welcome,” Evan said as he unlocked the front door and stepped in. It smelled like apple pie.

“Is your mom making something?” Connor asked. He smelled the air. The smell was faint but there.

“Oh,” Evan started walking into the kitchen. “N-no, it’s probably a c-candle.” He looks at the stove where a candle sat, put out. Evan turned around and looked at Connor. “My mom,” he said, as if that explained everything. “Sh-she’s not around much… between classes and shifts.”

Connor looked at Evan and he was staring at the candle. Diversion, diversion.

“Hey, uh, where’s your room?” Connor felt his face get red. Very, very red. Evan looked alarmed. “Oh, uh, I mean,” he laughed nervously. “Not like that! Not like, where’s your room, nudge nudge, wink wink. God…”

Maybe he did want to (nudge nudge, wink wink) go to Evan’s room. But no no no. Not now.

Evan was red too, but laughed. “Th-this way…”

Evan’s room was nice. A bed in the corner, a shelf, messy floor, like any boy’s. And a desk in the corner, full of papers.

“What are all those?” Connor said, referring to the papers. Evan looks over.

“O-oh… Those are scholarship papers… my, my mom wants me to write s-some stuff and send it in…”

Connor pages through the papers. “What college do you think you wanna go to?”

A pause, and Connor looks over. Evan is flushed. “I… I’m n-not going…”

“Why not?”

“... Money… and i-it’s far away…”

Connor moves over to Evan and hugs him. He has nothing to say. He doesn’t need to say anything.

\-----

Hours later, they’ve finally made it into act three of the script. Evan is in the middle of a scene between Mrs. Webb, Emily’s mother, and Emily, the main character, who is dead at this point. Evan is Emily and Connor is Mrs. Webb. Evan is frustrated, and Connor is trying to make him feel better by doing a high-pitched southern accent for Mrs. Webb. It’s half working.

“Good-good-bye, good-bye, wor-world. G-good-bye, G-grover’s c-corners…. Mama and P-papa… Good-good-GUH!” Evan half sighs, half screams. He flops down on the bed. Connor is in the desk chair. They’re tired from reading and their voices are beaten. “I can’t… this w-was a bad idea…”

“No, it wasn't, Evan,” Connor sits down on Evan’s bed. “Baby steps, baby steps. When we go to try out, it’ll be baby steps. Of course, neither of us are going to make it. There are a ton of other more capable people in the school.” Evan closes his eyes. Connor grabs his khaki-ed leg. “But do you really care about getting a role?”

Evan opens his eyes. “...no.”

“Hey, so this is for talking in front of people, which is what you care about, right? Being able to talk in front of people?” Evan nods. “Because if you get through this, you can try another thing, and the next thing you know, oral reports are a breeze.” Connor lies down by Evan, both with their shoes on.

So, this bed is small.

Connor closes his eyes for a minute, and when he opens them, Evan’s eyes are wet.

“Hey, hey…” Connor goes to wipe Evan’s eyes with his thumbs. Evan’s skin is so soft. Wow. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! Then he hugs Evan gently, and Evan hugs back.

“I-I’m not g-going to college,” Evan tearfully whispers. “I’m n-not going anywhere in li-life. This wh-whole thing isn’t w-worth it. I-I’m not w-worth it.”

Connor squeezes Evan. “You are worth it. This is worth it. You are worth it. You are worth college and a job you love and friends who love you. Your life is worth it.”

Evan hugs Connor again and falls asleep in his embrace. Soon after, Connor’s eyes close and he feels Evan’s soft head on his shoulder and Evan’s arms around his waist.


	6. At Least They Admit It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, the title, and some talks. Not a lot of dialogue, lots of thoughts. Happy reading!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this chapter! I didn't post yesterday, sorry. On Friday I wrote 1800 words and it tired me out, so, I apologize. And instead of doing my homework I wrote this, so... hehe whatever.

Evan’s casted arm felt really heavy. He opened his eyes and-

Wow. There was Connor. He was really close. They were kind of tangled up. Wait. Wait. Clothes? Evan was wearing clothes, Connor was wearing clothes, good, okay. Evan’s casted arm was flung over Connor and his other arm was tucked above his other shoulder. Their heads were sharing Evan’s pillow and they slept over the blanket. Their feet were together, but their waists or legs weren’t touching at all.

Connor looked really peaceful. Kind of like a little kid. Those freckles, man. Evan loved them. And his eyelashes were beautiful. And his nose was a little crooked, but that just made Evan want to kiss it.

Okay, alright, NO. Evan, no. Bad Evan. Remember, you’re not supposed to burden yourself on Connor. You’re already way too close.

But Evan really liked it. He really liked being this close to someone, especially if that someone is Connor Murphy. He felt lucky that he was allowed to be this close to him. How many other people had seen him like this? Maybe no one. Maybe Evan was the only one. In a special little I’ve Been Really Close To Connor Murphy Club. It warmed Evan.

Okay, so maybe Evan does really, really like Connor. In that way. In the way that’s like, I want to kiss your face, not just your lips, and your ears are kind of really cute and tiny and have piercings and I want to touch them in a not weird way. And I want to be able to hold your hand and… everything.

Has Connor ever had someone before? Has he kissed someone? Lost his virginity? I mean, after all, after everything, on top of everything, he was still Connor Murphy. The rumors had to come from somewhere. They didn’t really matter all that much to Evan anymore. But he still wondered.

\-----

Connor woke up in an empty bed. A bed that wasn’t his.

What the fuck?

He sat up and looked at his surroundings. The bed, of course, a desk with lots of papers on it, a dresser, a door, his backpack on the floor, Evan’s backpack, and two Our Town scripts on the floor.

Oh.

Well, he had all his clothes on, except for his sweatshirt, which he knew he had taken off while reading the script. That was probably good. He hadn’t done the do with Evan, at least as far as he knew. Which was also probably good.

Bleary-eyed, he picked a sweatshirt off the ground. It smelled good and it fit weird, but whatever. Maybe he had grown in the night.

He smelled something good in the air as he sat on the bed. Like eggs and sausage. Then it hit him. For real.

He had spent the night at Evan’s house. In his bed. He literally dried his tears and then Evan fell asleep on top of him. And his parents probably don’t know where he is. Well, both of his parents don’t know where he is, but only Cynthia cares. He did tell her he was going over to Evan’s.

Evan, Evan, Evan. What to do about Evan? He knew that he could never like Evan because, well, Miguel.

The thing was, he liked being with Miguel before The Thing happened. Before he ran away. Connor didn’t like how it felt after, or how it felt before, with no friends at all. But, after, it seemed to hurt more, since he knew what it felt like how to have friends, and how good it felt. And how he didn’t have that anymore. He was probably already going way too far with his relationship with Evan, but he couldn’t help himself. Every time there was a reason to let Evan go, there were a dozen reasons to pull him closer. It felt that way with Miguel, too, but somehow this was better.

So maybe Connor liked Evan. Maybe a little bit. But that’s all it was. A little bit. Connor wouldn’t let it grow into anything more. Because, one, Evan could never like a mess like Connor, and two, Connor could never make this into a mess like Miguel.

He checked his phone to get his mind off the topic. Off of Evan. his mom had texted him multiple times.

Cynthia: Have fun at Evan’s! I’m really happy you are making friends.

Then, at about seven at night:

Cynthia: Are you having dinner there? When are you coming home?

Then, two hours after that:

Cynthia: I assume you’re sleeping over… Have fun.

Okay, so everything was fine. Cynthia probably thought that he was actually out doing drugs somewhere and doubted that Evan even existed, except for the time that Evan came over to his house.

The smell of pancakes and sausages and eggs got to him again. It was almost ten in the morning, and he was hungry. The last thing he ate was some heat up mini tacos Evan brought up at like five.

He opened the door and walked down the hall. In the kitchen was Evan.

“O-oh, hey!” he said once he noticed Connor. “I-I just made a little breakfast… A-are you hungry?”

“Yessir.”

Evan shifted around. “I-I made scrambled eggs because I-I didn’t kn-know what kind you liked, a-and there’s s-sausage patties, a-and pancakes…” he pointed to each food as he said them. He seemed nervous as if he might have made something wrong, or something he didn’t like.

Evan didn’t know that anything he made for Connor would be perfect.

But this food really did look perfect. His mouth started to water.

He clamped his hand on Evan’s shoulder. Evan looked scared, so he loosened it a little. “It smells great, Evan!”

Evan looked relieved. “Th-thanks…”

They got their food on some plates and started eating at the small beat-up kitchen table. This house was the opposite of his own house, but he liked it better. There were pictures on the wall that looked like they weren’t forced, and the furniture looked like it was lived in. In Connor’s house, their shoes came off at the door, and every Saturday Cynthia cleaned like the president was coming for brunch. It was hardly a place of living. It was like a prison to Connor.

But this place, this place was nice and small. Evan seemed ashamed of it, but Connor liked it. His mom burned candles. If Larry smelled anything that wasn't dinner or the cold air of the AC, he went bonkers. The pictures on the wall were forced to happen by Cynthia every six months. These pictures weren’t in a Kohl’s studio or some professional place. They looked like they were taken with someone’s digital camera. In the zoo, at a park, at a diner. It looked like genuine fun, as opposed to the scheduled fun Cynthia set up. Like going to the orchard. It would have been a little fun if his family hadn’t been there.

Maybe he should invite Evan there sometime. It was closed, but it’s not like Connor had never broken into a place before. Although Evan probably wouldn’t like breaking into a place. We’ll see.

Oh! And there’s the silence that covers them like a blanket. One of those really heavy ones.

“So, where’s your mom?” Connor asked in an attempt to lift the metaphorical blanket.

“Well…” Evan started. Maybe that wasn't such a good conversation starter. Now that he said that, his face fell, and he looked down. “Sh-she works a lot… sh-she’s probably sleeping right now, sh-she had a late shift last night, at the hos-hospital, where she works… and she pro-probably has c-classes today… so…”

Connor put his hand on Evan’s back, being the Supportive Friend™ that he is. “I’m sorry…” he said. Evan looked up and smiled sadly.

“Yeah… well…” he was miserable. In this life? Connor would trade his life for Evan’s. But maybe there were things he wasn't seeing. “My d-dad… he left us… so… sh-she has to work…”

“I…” Now Connor was the one stuttering. “I wish I could do something…”

But he couldn’t. All he could do is stay by his side.

Any by his side he would stay, by this little nervous, cute, pretty, beautiful boy.


	7. A Growing Sun In His Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Sunday, Evan's house and Connor's house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> howdy yall. welcome back. fun reading, thank you. im in a show this week, no time to write. im trying to post every day and its hard so ya happy reading. also i just came out to my dad so yeet.

It felt weird to sleep in his bed without Connor there, even though Connor had only been there for one night. The bed felt big, like he needed Connor there.

I mean, at least he had admitted he liked Connor. Maybe that was a step in the wrong direction, because maybe if he had kept himself in the dark, then there would never be the possibility that he would tell Connor anything or do anything with Connor.

But he was in the light. The cover had been taken off.

It was practically no use, because why in the fucking world would Connor like Evan? There were so many reasons. He was a worrywart, he had mental breakdowns daily, there were things he literally couldn’t do, and if he did make himself do it then he pretty much died, or felt like dying. And speaking of dying, there was his broken wrist…

Connor would probably be the only person he would even think about telling what actually happened that day in the tree. Or out of the tree. He couldn’t even tell his own mother, who birthed him. It was pathetic, the entire thing. He couldn’t even… couldn’t even do it properly. He thought he could be burden-free, and instead he got a broken wrist. And then he lay there for ten minutes, thinking someone would come.

Life isn’t a fairy tale, Evan. Your life, at least.

But maybe Connor was some sort of fairy godmother? A goth one, at that, but one all the same. Oh, fucking God, Evan, get your head together… Just because Connor is gay and you slept in the same bed and he helped you calm down twice does not mean that he likes you. Okay, breathe. Don’t get your hopes up.

But his hopes were up. His hopes were way up. He hadn’t really felt this alive since… since… well, never. There was this feeling in his chest. It was just there. It was good, it was a sun lighting up your insides, lighting up your brain, but soon it was going to turn into a fucking black hole, sucking up everything. As long as Connor never knew how Evan felt, the sun would never blow up. But then, the sun would grow until Evan blew it up himself. All suns die out.

They can live for quite a while though. You could spend seventy years of your life with one person and be happy the entire time. That could happen to Evan and Connor, right? The sun will be there for a long time. It will burn for what seems like forever, but then one of them will die. And the sun with them.

So Evan can only blame his stupid heart for planting that sun there in the first place. Imagine if Evan only liked Connor as a friend! That seems like a sluttish thing to do to Evan, to fall in love with the one person who wants to be your friend. Evan is going to ruin ever-

Wait a minute… did Evan just think that he loved Connor? Does Evan love Connor? Oh, no, he can’t, absolutely he cannot.

Every second he thinks about Connor the sun grows bigger. This sun is like cancer. It becomes you. You are the sun and the sun is you. And if the sun has a hunger for long-haired, lightly freckled, tall, pretty boys, then so do you.

God! What the first week of school can do to you.

Evan needed to stop thinking about Connor. Okay, time to get out of bed.

When Evan walked down the hall, his mom was at the kitchen table reading a book. Some sort of how-to-live-with-anxiety book. Of course. Evan knew his mom meant well, but sometimes it felt like she tried too hard. Like, she was trying, maybe Evan should try harder? It’s not how it works, of course, but still.

“Hey, Ev!” Heidi put the book down and looked at him with a smile. “Good morning.”

Evan wiped his eyes and mumbled a “gmorning.” Heidi kept staring at Evan with a sort of sly smile. “...w-what?”

“Oh, nothing…” Obviously, this wasn't nothing. Evan got kind of scared. Maybe he did something wrong? “I just saw a guy in your bed the other night…”

Evan turned red. “O-oh, um…” he scrambled for words. “W-we were practicing for a play… a-and we got tired, s-so we went t-to bed?”

Heidi lit up. “A play?”

“Y-yeah, th-the school is putting on O-our Town, t-tryouts are Friday…” Evan twiddled his thumbs, literally.

“Are you going to try out?” Heidi was hopeful, but Evan didn’t really know. He thought he might, but then there were the last minute jitters that would get him. He wouldn’t get in either way.

But Connor thinks he’s going to, although he doesn’t know the full extent of Evan’s nervousness.

“I… I think so?”

Heidi practically jumped out of her seat. Her knee bonked the table, but she didn’t seem to mind. She was too happy. Now Evan was kind of starting to regret the whole thing, from the moment he opened the flier in front of Connor or the moment he put it in his pocket. Although, if he hadn’t saved it, they couldn’t have slept in the same bed.

What’s done is done.

“Oh, honey!” Heidi hugged Evan. Evan meekly patted his mother. “That’s great! I’m so proud of you!” Heidi pulled back and held Evan’s face in hands. “Do you need any refills?” She started to walk away to put things in the sink.

“U-uh, no…”

Heidi started pulling herself together, with her coat and her purse. “I’m off to a shift. Here’s a twenty for lunch if you want to get anything. I love you, bye!”

And before Evan could mutter a “goodbye” she was out the door. Sometimes Evan missed his mom, but he couldn’t complain. She had to work because money, and she had to take classes so she could maybe make more money.

M words, gah.

Evan sat at the table and ate some cereal. It was really lonely. No one else was here. He kind of wished Connor was there. They still hadn’t found their footing with each other, but they were close. It was kind of weird between them since they had slept in the same bed, but it was a good weird. A weird like, we were just closer than we’ve ever been, how do we talk now?

Their relationship was like the hurdling race in track. They had been over hurdles, but they didn’t know how many more they had to overcome.

\-----

Oh, fuckety fuck fuck fuck.

Connor woke up in a bed by himself on Sunday. For some reason he was disappointed. It had only been one night with (not really with, like in the sexual way. Just, next to) Evan, but it felt like forever. He hadn’t been that close to someone since Miguel.

Miguel, Miguel.

Connor still liked Miguel, but Miguel didn’t like Connor, and that was within reason, seeing as Connor was the one who ran away from Miguel. If Miguel called and asked for them to get back together, would Connor say yes?

Connor’s eyes are sort of on Evan right now, even thoough that’s probably the worst thing he’s ever done, besides run away from Miguel.

Ugh, stop thinking about Evan! He looks down at himself and sees he’s wearing an unfamiliar sweatshirt. And it’s a bit too small. He smells it. On top there is his smell, but lingering underneath is… Evan?

Did Connor literally take Evan’s sweatshirt? God, that is such a boyfriend-y thing to do, though. Does Evan think he did it on purpose? He didn’t, though. Evan saw Connor with his sweatshirt on? Humiliating! And if he had Evan’s sweatshirt, that means…

That means his sweatshirt is at Evan’s house.


	8. You Can Wear My Sweatshirt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan sing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really love all you guys  
> You make my world light and bright  
> I will keep on writing for you  
> I'll do whatever it takes  
> I'll make a million mistakes  
> To make the next chapter get out here  
> This fic will grow with me only for you  
> I'll pass it onto you  
> I'll give the fic to you  
> As long as I get it out today  
> Today, today  
> This better get out today  
> Today, today

Should he go over there and get it? Or maybe… Well, Connor did sort of like the idea that they had each other’s sweatshirt. Evan could be smelling Connor right now.

Okay, maybe that was a bit weird. Yeah, that was definitely weird.

But hopefully, Connor didn’t smell bad? He used some sort of pine wood deodorant… But maybe Evan is allergic or something to pines?

No, wait, Evan loves trees. He fell out of a tree. He worked at a tree place. Does that mean Evan liked how Connor smelled? Connor hoped he did, no matter how creepy that sounded.

Connor liked how Evan smelled. Like syrup and strawberries. It was probably his laundry detergent, but Connor liked it. Oh, what a creep, what a creep.

Connor: it seems i have your sweatshirt?

A few minutes, and then a reply.

Evan: Haha, yeah!

There was nothing after that. What did it mean? Did that mean Evan wanted them to keep the other’s sweatshirt?

Then, as if as an afterthought:

Evan: You can come over whenever you want.

Okay, scratch that.

So, Connor’s going back to Evan’s house. At least that will be fun if he doesn’t get to keep his sweatshirt.

\-----

Once at Evan’s house, Connor wondered wether he should knock or just barge in. The door was unlocked.

I mean, he could walk in on something embarassing. Like Evan masturbating. Okay, okay, ew. Connor’s not even sure that Evan does masturbate. It’s hard to imagine him… doing that. But then again, it’s hard to imagine anyone doing it.

Fuck it. If he hears moaning he’ll back away very slowly and brainwash himself.

Walking in, he doesn’t hear moaning. Good start, good start. Instead he hears the final notes of “What Comes Next” from Hamilton.

Ah, Hamilton.

Evan’s house is a one story house. You enter from the front door and to your left is a bathroom and laundry area and to the right is the kitchen and living room across from each other, and then a hallway leading to three bedrooms and another bedroom. Evan is in the kitchen typing on his computer, his back to the front door. Connor slowly walks to the kitchen and stands in the doorway. He is as quiet as a mouse.

Then “Dear Theodosia” starts playing. And when Leslie Odom Jr. starts singing “Dear Theodosia, what to say to you?” Evan sings:

“Dear Evan Hansen,  
hat to say to him?  
Those pretty eyes,  
That infinitive smile,  
When he came into my world  
I died  
And he broke my heart…”

Is Evan singing about him? Did Connor break Evan’s heart? Are his eyes like that? His smile? Connor’s heart felt like someone was squeezing it and burning it, but in a good way.

I mean, unless he was singing about another boy. But who does Evan know? I mean, there’s Jared.

Connor almost laughed and gave himself away at that.

But still Evan liked Connor. And Connor liked Evan.

But once again, Connor couldn’t like Evan, because he would do something shitty again. Like with Miguel. And Connor likes (or would like if he was allowed to like him, which he wasn't) Evan more than he loved Miguel. Which means…

Connor loves Evan?

No, he can’t. He doesn’t. He won’t.

But he loves this song. That Evan is singing. About him.

Fuck.

The Evan starts singing again.

“I’m dedicating every day to him  
Life with someone has never been so fun  
When he smiles  
I fall apart  
And I thought I was so smart”

Connor’s chest swells. If he could live in the moment forever, he would. He would hear Evan’s voice, which was good, but it wasn't about the voice. It was Evan. Was it always Evan?

But Connor doesn’t like Evan. But if he did, he would definitely walk over to him and kiss him right now.

But Connor doesn’t like Evan.

“When he looks at me with his living eyes  
I’ll stay alive for him  
I will dive in with him  
If I don’t confess my love to him soon  
I will explode inside  
I will give into him  
Some other day  
Someday, someday  
I’ll tell him another day  
Someday, someday”

This is where Lin Manuel Miranda steps in, but this is where Connor knows he must sing. It seems Evan has nothing to sing at this part, so Connor is singing alone, with his alto voice.

“Oh, Evan,  
When you smile I am undone…  
I’m, um,  
I’m kind of, um?”

As you can tell, Connor is great at figuring out words. But after this, they come naturally. Evan is turned around in his chair, gaping at Connor as he reveals himself. Connor feels so bashful but he has to keep going.

“Like is not the word I’m looking for  
There is so much more inside me now,  
Oh, Evan,  
You outshine the morning sun  
I’m done  
When you smile”

Connor goes over to sit next to Evan, who is blushing as red as Connor has ever seen him and is still in shock.

“I fall apart  
And I thought I was so hard.”  
Suddenly Evan comes back into real life. And they both know the words the other is going to sing and everything is perfect.  
“I’m kind of sad, you know that,” Evan sings.  
“I’m kind of mad, you know that,” Connor follows Evan.  
And they sing the rest together, like magic.  
“But I won’t be that was around you  
I’ll do whatever it takes  
I’ll make a million mistakes  
I’ll make myself safe and sound for you…  
We will grow old and live forever  
I’ll pick a fight for you  
I’ll make me right for you  
If we lay a strong enough foundation  
I could belong to you  
I’ll give the world to you  
And everything’s okay  
Someday, someday  
We’ll make everything okay  
Someday, someday”

And the song ended.


	9. Missing You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Connor...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry so short

They stared at each other for a minute, Non-Stop playing in the background. What had just come over them? It was crazy.

Evan stared at Connor, finding all of his freckles. They were pretty close, Evan standing up in the place where he was sitting and Connor at the end of the table.

He had about a dozen small freckles. There was one on the inside of his nose, one by his eye, a few on his cheek, and on his forehead. They were cute and Evan wanted to kiss everyone of them. And maybe now, because of this song, he could. Maybe Connor was up for having a burden, for having Evan. Maybe…

And now Non-Stop was over and What’d I miss was playing.

What did Evan miss?

He missed Connor, even though Connor was right in front of him. Fuck.

Fuck. Evan was in love. And if Connor’s part in the song was right, so was Connor.

This could work. They could work. They both wanted it to work. Maybe Evan wouldn’t be alone anymore.

“I, um,” Evan started. He had to say something. “I should g-get your sweatsh-shirt…” Evan ran down the hallway and into his room, where Connor’s sweatshirt was lying on the floor. Evan, being the totally creepy adorable thing that he is, smelled it for the last time and stood there for a minute. He knew that when he went back into the kitchen, everything would he change. But he really wouldn’t know how much it would.

Because when he stepped into the kitchen, Connor wasn't there. In his place, on the table, was Evan’s sweatshirt and a note.

evan im really sorry. i don't know where that came from. but im not going to be in a relationship with you. sorry. see u at lunch.

Evan didn’t fall. He didn’t feel sad at all. He didn’t cry. Not then and definitely not at night when he clutched Connor’s sweet smelling sweatshirt as he fell asleep.

Definitely not. Anything but that.

Because his heart definitely didn’t hurt. He definitely didn’t want to call Connor. And he definitely didn’t wish he fell on his back or neck instead of his wrist.


	10. Not A Musical

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared comes out a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy reading! Please comment and everything! I love your comments! I'm also now into 21 Chump Street. Linnie you're my baby

Why did this feel like a fucking breakup scene? Like, the point in the dumb love movie where you’re supposed to cry because the two people who are meant to fall in love break up. Like that song in Rent, “Without You.”

That’s how Connor feels. Except they were never together. There was nothing to break up. This was just a week’s friendship. Less than that. Wow. Can you believe all this had happened in less than a week?

Can you fall in love in less than a week? Because Connor…

Fuck. Connor was in love.

So, yes, this was bad, but it didn’t have to be.

No. The damage had already been done. “evan im really sorry. i don't know where that came from. but im not going to be in a relationship with you. sorry. see u at lunch.”  
Connor was sorry, he was. He wished that the Miguel thing had never happened. Maybe then he could be with Evan. But maybe if he had never met Miguel he wouldn’t be alive right now. And then he would have never met the adorableness that is Evan Hansen. And even if he had managed to live, somehow, he wouldn’t know that he would completely wreck Evan’s life. And he didn’t want to wreck Evan’s life.

God, this was like some fucked up “Would You Rather” bullshit. Would you rather ask your crush, no, your love out and ruin their life or love them from afar and ruin your own life?

Connor was meant to wreck lives. He’s been doing that ever since school started. Everyone’s school experience was ruined because of him. His relationship with Zoe and his parents. All ruined. And Miguel. Now Evan.

Part of him told him it was time to go. But the other, bigger part, the part that fell in love with the short (compared to Connor, of course) nervous little angel, wants to stay.  
So maybe he’ll stay, but only for Evan. Only for him.

And he does know where that little song thingy came from. It came from his heart. Well, no, the love part of his brain. His metaphorical heart. He meant everything he said, except for that he didn’t know where the song came from.

But he would see Evan at school tomorrow. He would see his face. And maybe he would smile. He fell asleep with that in his brain.

\-----

Evan did not want to go to school. Evan wanted to lie to his mom and tell her that he didn’t feel good. It wouldn’t be a complete lie. He felt like if he saw Connor he would throw up. But Heidi would know that he was lying. Damn ears.

The morning went by and then there was lunch. To sit with Connor or not? He gripped his lunch in his hand. He always brought lunch. In the courtyard, he would sit in Connor and his little corner and have an awkward conversation about… what? But if he sat in the cafe he would have to find someone to sit next to, which meant talking to people, which he didn’t want to do, or Jared, who isn’t exactly Evan’s biggest fan, and they’re already going to be spending way too much time today, or he can find an empty table, which is probably impossible because the cafe has been open for ten minutes already.

So, Connor and the courtyard it is.

In the grassy area, Connor is sitting in a corner, eating pizza, with a lot of cheese on it. His knees are tucked up to his chest and he seems to be inspecting the script for Our Town. He really is taking this seriously. They really are trying out.

The look on Connor’s face gets to Evan. He’s really focused, and pure. Evan has seen it once or twice, when Evan is in the middle of a stuttering speech and Connor is really paying attention. And Evan is stopped in the middle of the walkway.

Maybe Connor loves Evan too. Maybe there’s some kind of reason they can’t be together. Okay. Deep breath and walk over. Step, step, step.

When Evan got a bit closer, he could notice Connor’s pizza better. Meaning, Evan could see that instead of a shitload of cheese on his pizza, there were fries.

Evan was about two feet away from Connor when he asked, “f-fries?”

Connor was somewhat startled when he looked up and did that little question noise, like “hm?” Evan blushed.

“I-I mean, o-on your pizza…?” Evan pointed in case Connor had forgotten what pizza was, or what he was putting in his mouth.

“Oh,” Connor said, as if it hadn’t occurred to himself that fries were on his pizza. “Force of habit, I guess.” And then he took another bite. Evan blushed and cringed. “Ha, ha,” he said with a smile at Evan’s face. Then he sighed. “This guy made me eat it once and I fell in love.” Then, with another look at Evan, he added, “with the pizza, not the guy. Well, maybe a little with the guy, but not anymore.”

Evan exhaled and smiled a little smile. “S-so, who are you h-hoping to get the role of in Ou-Our Town?”

And maybe everything was okay for a bit. Awkward, but okay.

\-----

Evan and Jared were at Jared’s house. Another one of those dumb dinner things with their parents. They were in Jared’s room, Jared playing video games, some shooter game with a lot of blood, and Evan half watching, half thinking about what had happened earlier with Connor. At lunch, and what it meant.

He was so lost in thought that even Jared noticed.

\-----

“Hey, Hansen, you thinking about your boyfriend?” Jared paused his game and turned to stare at Evan, who had turned red.

“H-he’s n-not my b-boyfriend…” And Jared knows it’s true because Evan’s ears aren’t red. He is shriveled into the corner of the couch clutching a sweatshirt that was too big for him. Had Evan gained weight?

“But you want him to be, right?” he said with his head on his hand.

Now Evan burned, especially his ears, when he said “n-no…”

\-----

“N-no...” Evan could fucking feel his face burn. How does Jared know he’s bi? He didn’t tell anyone except Connor that one time at the ice cream place.

“Right…” Jared unpauses the game and gets back at it. “Evan, seriously, you’re like the gayest person I know.” And Evan pulls into himself even more, and puts his head in his arms. And smiles, because he loves Connor.

He loves Connor.

But he frowns because Connor doesn’t like Evan. Well, he does, but doesn’t want to be in a relationship.

That’s worse.

Fuck.

“I-I’m bi…”

Jared smirks. “Glad you can fucking admit it. And I’m pan, so.”

Evan pulled his face out. What? Since when?

Jared pauses the game again and stares at Evan’s confused face. He laughs. What’s so funny?

“Hey, you know that girl I said I hooked up with over the summer?” Evan nods a little. “The ‘second-base-below-the-bra’ girl from Israel?” Evan nods again. “He’s a guy…” And Jared smiles a real fucking smile. A real one. Not a douchey fake one. A real one.

Maybe Evan and Jared are in the boat of love together.

Well, not in love with each other. But like, you know.

“Yeah, I know, right?” Jared laughs and blushes. Evan has never seen Jared like this. It’s nice. “Hey, I liked you for a while…” Then he fucking laughs. “Remember when we used to swim together? When we changed I used to get so flushed and I was like, ‘wow, fuck me now.’ Hilarious, right, me liking you?” And he goes off in a giggling fit.

Wow, fuck Evan now. What a fucking surprise.

\-----

That night when Evan went to bed, he smelled Connor’s sweatshirt. His smell was fading, but it was still there under his own smell.

This is what they smelled like together? Not bad. Evan could probably get used to this for the rest of his life.

I mean, Connor has seen Evan cry. He’s seen him close to a breaking point. Only reason Evan didn’t fall over the line was because Connor was there. And he had fallen for Connor.

You know Be More Chill? Great fucking musical. If you do, you know “Christine…” ect, although Evan always sings “Michael…” because boyfs. And if you know 21 Chump Street, then you know “Naomi…” ect. Evan feels he should make one for Connor’s name.

Because obviously they’re in a fucking musical. They already sang a song together.

Evan can’t even believe that he rewrote Dear Theodosia like that. Not even on the spot. He already had a few words in place from late night dreams he thinks of while falling asleep.

So fucked up.

And tired… sleep.

\-----

Connor loves Evan. That little fluffy bean of a man. That little boy.

He sighs.

Love.

He feels the need to break out into fucking song. Except he’s not currently in a musical or Disney movie.

So he smiles into his pillow.

He should take Evan to the orchard.


	11. Evan Without Connor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and his Overthinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> howdy yall thanks for reading leave comments and stuff thanks for reading!!

Every time Evan thinks of Connor, that little sun inside of him grows. He felt like maybe his sun had exploded when Connor left the note and his sweatshirt, but maybe that was just a little bump in the road.

That scares Evan a little. Because if that’s a “little bump,” then what is the actual fall going to be like? Is it going to be like falling out of the tree, waiting for someone to come but never seeing anyone at all? All he knows is that it’s going to be bad.

But hey, at least Connor likes Evan, even if for some reason they can’t really be together. This feels like another one of those awkward middle school maybe-relationships where you have a shit ton of fun together in that blushy way because you like the other and you know the other likes you, but you don’t do anything about it, you don’t ask the other out because there’s that thing in the back of your head saying “what if, what if?” What if it’s all a lie?

That song, his Lin-Manuel Miranda part he made up, was probably a lie. He probably made it up on the top of his head to make Evan feel better, feel better that Connor didn’t like Evan.

Because Evan is a fucking mess. Who would like him? There might be pros, like… like… nothing, really. But there were cons too. There were his depression, his anxiety, his arm, his Jared… Who would volunteer for that? Maybe he could get someone to be his friend in exchange for volunteer hours. God knows no one wants to date Evan without some sort of exchange.

But maybe a relationship is an exchange. It’s one big exchange. Everything is an exchange, really. I’ll give you this if you give me that. It’s all quite insane. When did people stop being nice? Or more correctly, when will people start being nice?

Evan would half like to see a place with no money, where people do nice things for other people out of the kindness in their hearts. People wouldn’t be mean. When they noticed you weren’t there, they would say, “where’s Evan? Let’s go find him” instead of “that little shy kid isn’t here anymore, thank God.” Even Evan says that to himself. Sometimes he wishes he would make himself go away.

That’s an exchange. Evan will give himself peace if he will go away. A not very sensical exchange. But an exchange Evan wants. He just wants to be quiet, his head to be quiet.

Isn’t it kind of funny how some of the quietest ones have so much swirling around in their head? Evan barely speaks to anyone but his mom, Connor, and occasionally Jared, yet he is building and destroying worlds in his head every day. He built the world of Connor and him floating along together, and that’s on the verge of breaking and fucking him in the ass.

And isn’t it funny how the loudest ones waste all their words by throwing them meaninglessly into the void of life? On Twitter, on Insta, on Snap, you carefully pick out some words that make sense, that sound good together, and wait for someone to notice, until no one does, until you don’t get any likes, until you’re left unread. And then you stop throwing your words into the void, because even if there’s that little feeling that you said something that some people could have seen and laughed at, or cried at, or smiled at, or even thought about for a second, that person likes your meticulous words, not you. They don’t know you.

They only know what meaningless words you throw into a void.

And then you stop throwing your words, because while you think you might, might, get that one person to laugh, or cry, or smile, or think, there are plenty of other people who will hate, or dislike, or not even care at all.

Is it worth it to have one person like it and a hundred people dislike it?

That’s why you keep your words to yourself. That’s why you throw your words around, only in your brain, until you go crazy.

Is thinking you’re crazy allowing you to be crazy? Do crazy people know they’re crazy?

Evan should stop thinking the word crazy.

Evan will give Connor his unconditional love, and in exchange, Connor will give Evan his personality, his jokes, his amazing face, and those freckles. He would be able to stare at Connor forever if they were to be together. If only. If only Connor wanted to be stared at forever.

Evan just wanted to physically be with Connor. Evan likes listening to his weird stories and opinions and everything. Evan wouldn’t mind going crazy with Connor, because maybe he would hold Evan down a little.

Evan has read Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell, and the main character, Cath, has a twin named Wren. Cath is the One Who Always Cries, the Pathetic One, while Wren is the Mature One, the Always Cool One. Evan is obviously Cath, and that leaves Wren for Connor. It makes sense. Cath and Wren make sense together, not only that they’re twins, but Cather (her full name is Cather) and Wren. CatherWren. Catherine. It makes sense. They are apart of each other.

Like maybe Connor and Evan could make sense. Cath and Wren call themselves rain and fire, Cath being rain and Wren being fire. Which one wins?

In a big big forest fire, the fire would win. Because power. But if there was a tiny candle, a little thing, a small flame, rain would win. And if you had enough rain, you could stomp out a fire.

Fire is a blessing in the winter, when you’re cold, when you’re tired, or when you need to warm something up. Fire gave us stoves and light and cooking and baking. But fire is a curse when your house is made of straw, when it’s a hundred degrees out, when it’s burning down national parks. Fire gives us panic, gives us sunburn, gives us cigarette addictions.

Meanwhile, water is a blessing when it’s summer, when you’re hot, when you want to take a bath, or when you need to make ramen noodles. Water gives us boiled food, tap water, cleaning, drink. But water is a curse when you are cold, when it’s cold outside and it turns into snow or sleet or hail, or when it’s flooding a town. Water gives us wet books and clothes, gives us soggy feet, gives us the need for alcohol.

You can’t have water without fire, you can’t have heat without cold.

You can’t have Connor without Evan.

Think about that, Connor without Evan. It’s been less than a week, and Evan feels like they’re molding themselves into each other. Making themselves fit together. And it feels perfect.

Evan has never been so fucking gay for someone.

Honestly, Connor is the first person Evan’s been gay for. He saw Connor the first day of freshman year, saw him thought “oh wow that’s hot.” The long hair, the height, the sweatshirt, all his emo t shirts. And he kept growing.

And then Evan worried for a week about the whole “do I even like girls” thing. It took him a long time to figure it out. Because he certainly didn’t look at Jared and say “oh, fuck me.” But then again, he didn’t want to sex every girl he saw.

So he was bi.

And then the next year, he saw Zoe. Zoe was pretty cute too. This worried Evan even more, because it felt like a crime to him to like siblings. Isn’t that sort of gross? That’s like liking someone, and then liking their best friend. It’s like you’re skipping stones on the lake of people. When one skip won’t let you in, you move onto the the next, kind of.

He always kind of liked Connor more. Like, face-wise. Hell to the no, Evan never talked to either of them. His freckles, man. Evan would never get over his freckles. If Evan knew he were to die in 24 hours, the first thing he would do would be to kiss all of Connor’s freckles. And then he would spend the rest of the time worrying about it, like who saw, how Connor feels, knowing that Connor hates him now, probably.

And then he would die. Yippee.

But he wouldn’t want to die, because of Connor.

For once in his life since his dad left, he didn’t feel entirely sad, or even mostly sad. He felt mostly happy that Connor was by his side, even if only for a while.

Evan knew that his little sun would blow up someday. It would explode and turn into a black hole. Would that suck Connor in, or make him run away?

Evan hoped Connor would stay until the infinity ended.

Evan just kind of really loved him. Really loved him a little a lot. Evan loves Connor, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

He wants to cry. Connor, Connor, Connor.

God, send help.

Or maybe just send a Connor that wants to be with Evan until infinity.


	12. Evan at the Zoo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan skip class to go to the zoo!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this is reeally bad lmk

Connor is bored. He doesn’t want to listen to tall these dumb teachers talk about stuff he doesn’t care about. He wants to walk around downtown and eat ice cream, go in the park with Evan and watch him fanboy over trees.

Two weeks ago, he would have rather strip naked and run through the streets instead of watching a nerd boy climb trees. Now, he sort of wants to strip for this nerd boy.

Oh, God, did Connor just think that? Now he’s blushing, in the back of his class. And he’s smiling. This is not good for his bad boy image.

Can you believe Evan has somewhat changed Connor? Before Evan, Connor could barely remember the last time he smiled. Probably with Miguel somewhere. But honestly, he felt better with Evan.

He needed to go. It was second to last period, he could just leave with Evan and maybe… do something?

But neither of them can drive. What’s in walking distance? There’s a bus stop, I guess, they could go somewhere. How much money does Connor have on him? There’s the collection of money his mother has given him over the past few months, which equals about a hundred dollars. But he only had about half of it with him, so about fifty dollars. How much would Evan have on him?

The bus costs about four dollars, so-

You know what? He thinks. Fuck it, I’m leaving with Evan and we’re going to have a hella time out there for a few hours.

Once the bell rings, he attempts to find Evan. Connor knows his last class. He finds Evan at his locker, grabbing some books and dumping some off.

“Hey,” Connor says once leaning against a locker next to Evan’s. “Let’s skip last class and do something fun. Maybe grab a bus and run around downtown.” Evan looks skeptical. “It’ll be fun!” Connor grins at Evan and grabs his shoulders. “We can get ice cream and maybe go to the zoo like we used to do when we were little kids! And we’ll go into the gift shop and buy things for kids whose parents don’t want to spend money, and we’ll go play on all the kiddie playgrounds and have fun.”

Evan looks overwhelmed, but also, maybe he’s considering it. “I…” he tries to start and looks down. “O-okay.” Evan looks up at Connor and a little grin pops up on his face, and Connor can’t help but smile back.

\-----

After everything gets sorted out and Evan texts his mom, they walk down a few blocks in happy silence to the bus stop. Together they have about seventy-five dollars, which is good for two seniors in high school without jobs.

Connor can tell Evan isn’t sure about skipping school, and clearly, he has never done anything like this before, and he’s nervous. So Connor reaches down and squeezes Evan’s hand, which makes Evan blush and hide his face. Connor smiles again and lets go of Evan’s hand.

They’re kind of on the verge of dating. They both like each other, it’s obvious. But Connor has reasons not to. There’s Miguel. Not in the way that Miguel is there, but the whole Miguel situation, what happened with Miguel. Connor couldn’t, Connor can’t do that again, not to Evan. Because Evan is different. He’s not really like anyone Connor has ever met before. He’s not like Miguel.

Miguel was fun, that was true. He was not like Evan because Miguel didn’t worry constantly as Evan as did. Connor would never audition for a play with Miguel, or go out in public with him. He would smoke with Miguel, and he would never do that with Evan. Connor hasn’t even smoked that much since he met Evan.

Evan was different, and Connor liked that because he was different when he was with Evan. Last year, no one would have made him want to skip school and go to the zoo, of all places. Now, all he wants to do is walk around a place with smelly animals with Evan.

\-----

They’re on the bus, and Evan is trying to breathe normally. Connor looks at his chest, rising up and down, while Evan looks out the window in a concentrated way like he needs something to focus on while he counts his breath.

Maybe Connor shouldn’t have made Evan do something he wasn't comfortable with. It’s too late to turn back now, but still, maybe this was a bad idea, like most of everything Connor has done.

The only thing he knows is that being friends with Evan wasn't a mistake. It was a blessing. Evan is a blessing. Evan is the light in Connor’s life.

When did Connor get so fucking cheesy?

After the bus fare, they have around seventy dollars left, since Evan has a bus pass. They get off as close to the zoo as they can, and they end up about three blocks away.  
Connor has been to this zoo before, on one of those family trips that Cynthia made them do when they were younger. It was fun, kind of. It would have been more fun if it hadn’t been done only to pretend to be a family. That doesn’t make sense. God.

The sidewalks that lead to the zoo are lined with trees, and it’s beautiful. It’s kind of a chilly day, and Connor has on one of his sweatshirts, not the one that he gave to Evan. Does Evan still have that? Connor doesn’t even want it back. He likes the idea of Evan with his sweatshirt. If they can’t date, this is as close as Connor can get, really.

Evan is wearing another blue shirt. How many of those does he have? He really must like the color blue. And he must be cold. Connor kind of wants to give Evan his sweatshirt, and he would, but Connor thinks that’s crossing the line. He thinks that maybe if he does one more thing that’s boyfriend-ish, then Evan will be convinced that they are something. Or that Connor wants them to be something.

God, this is so infuriating! Connor does want them to be something! But Connor wants them to be something that doesn’t hurt. Connor doesn’t want to hurt anymore. Does it count that Connor hurts when he’s away from Evan, but hurts, even more, when he’s close to him, because he knows that he can’t be with Evan?

He could, though. He could. He could break his own rules. Rules are meant to be broken and all that, right?

But this has to be the one rule that he can’t break. Because even though he hurts being this close to Evan and yet so far, he would hurt even more if something he did made Evan break. So maybe not today. Probably not ever.

And then, after that long internal monologue, they reach the gate to the zoo.

“Have you ever been to the zoo?” Connor asks. What a dumb question. Of course, he has. Everyone has. God. Why would he eve-

“Y-yeah…” Evan looks up and into the large parking lot, with a lot of cars there for a Tuesday. “M-my family went, o-once or twice when my d-dad was still around…”

So, maybe this was a really really bad idea. Maybe they could turn back around. Maybe-

Maybe Evan was walking towards the front entrance. Okay, we’re going, Connor thinks. He uses his Long Boi Legs™ to catch up with Evan, and they walk into the front entrance, where it’s a bit busy because school probably just got out and kids are flocking here, little ones. It’s kind of loud in there.

There are at least three gift shops and five cafes in here, which makes no sense to Connor, and about fifty million stands with stuffed monkeys falling out of them, next to those change machines where you drop your change and watch it fall down, down, down and they’re all for cancer societies or disabled people. Honestly, it’s kind of deceiving. They think, maybe if we make something fun then little kids will donate. They don’t even know what they’re donating to. They just like to see money fall down a tube. These machines could be donating to the Flat Earth Society and kids would have no idea.

It’s just kind of evil to Connor. He’s tried to explain it to Miguel before, but Connor doesn’t think Miguel gets it. Would Evan?

He explains it to him.

After a while of thought, he says, “Yeah, th-that makes sense.” Evan stops to look at one of the many coin machines, this one for lung cancer. “K-kids are gullible…” He looks like he’s lost on his own train of thought.

After thinking for a second, they head over to the desk to pay for their tickets, which cost thirty dollars.

They sigh.

And then they go and look at the animals. They avoid the little screeching children running beneath their feet.

They walk until their legs burn, seeing all the animals and going into all the little houses and taking lots of pictures in those big cardboard things you put your face in, and you look like a chicken or whatever. They run around on all of the playgrounds and make the little kids kind of scared because they’re BIG and all parents glare at them until they walk away. When that happens, Connor grins, and Evan smiles a small smile that says he’s a little nervous that something bad will happen.

But nothing bad happens. The police don’t get called on them, which, in Connor’s case (certainly not Evan’s), happens sometimes. Connor doesn’t say something to mess things up between them, and he doesn’t cross that invisible line.

Connor’s favorite part of the day is when they went into the gift shop before they were going to go.

A little boy is crying. His mother looks so tired. They are sitting on a bench by a little window where you order food.

“I can’t get you an ice cream Derek,” the mother is pleading, hugging her son. “I don’t have any spare money…” But the kid, Derek, just cries harder.

It’s funny the things you fight for.

So Evan walks over to the bench where the little kid is crying and the mother is pleading tiredly and asks, unstuttering, “What kind of ice cream would you like, Derek?” And Derek asks for one of those Spongebob shaped ice creams, and Evan goes and buys it for Derek.

Connor stares and wishes he could be nice. I guess there is one person he can be nice to, that he allows himself to be nice to, and that’s Evan. Evan is the one person he wants to be nice for.

Have you ever watched the TV show The Good Place? If you haven’t the whole things about the Good Place and the Bad Place is that you have to have a certain number of points to get into the Good Place, or heaven. If you don’t get enough point, you go to the Bad Place, or hell. The way you get points is by doing good things, and points subtract for doing bad things.

Would being nice for Evan’s sake count as getting points, if this whole TV show was real? The only reason he’s being nice is because of Evan. He would have never been nice if he hadn’t met Evan.

Connor’s really glad he has Evan, this little fluffy human that is so cute to watch be nice to little kids. And he won’t think things about he and Evan getting kids, because he definitely wishes the whole thing with Miguel hadn’t happened so he could be with Evan.

Because now that he’s had the experience of leaving someone and having that tear you up on the inside, he would never want to do that to Evan.

It’s inevitable.

Is this decision to not be with Evan giving him points or taking them away?

Connor wishes he could know, but he can’t, so he has to make this decision all on his own, and his choice might break him and Evan.

Oh, fuck, Evan.

They were both in for a long, tiring ride.


	13. Letters and Entries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan writes a letter to himself and Connor writes a journal entry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks so much for reading, you guys! remember to comment and kudos if you havent already. thanks so much! online love you!

Dear Evan Hansen,

I love Connor, and I’m not afraid to say it anymore. Inside my head at least. Out loud, to him, that’s a way different story. If I say anything out loud to him about whatever this feeling is, he’s going to run away screaming.

Because who would want me? Who would choose me? I wouldn’t choose me if I had a choice. I would choose someone who didn’t worry so much about every single thing that ever happens. See, I’m worrying about this dumb letter! I’m also somehow worried that Connor will see this. I don’t want to have him see this, because then he’ll run away screaming as I said before.

Sometimes I get it into my head that he does like me, maybe. Like at the zoo. When I got that little kid an ice cream bar, I turned around and there he was, smiling at me like my mom does sometimes. Okay, not in a creepy way, though, that he was staring at me. More like in a gentle, I want to protect this thing from everything look.

I want to protect him too, not that there’s much to protect him from. He does all the protection for himself. Maybe I just want to be there and witness everything he does.  
How can I be like this? It’s only been a week and a half?

But normally, not all this much stuff happens in a week. Like the play, the sleepover, the song (which was crazy all on its own), and now the zoo. And we are actually going to audition in two days!

I’m nervous. I’m really nervous. I try not to think about it, but actively not thinking about it still counts as thinking about it. Needless to say, I’m thinking about it, and I’m worrying about it.

On one hand, I do want to audition. I want to be able to talk in front of people. But on the other hand, I don’t want to make a fool out of myself, which is inevitable.  
But I’m doing it for Connor. Sweet Connor.

Who else would call Connor sweet? I don’t think very many people would. But I would. The way he wants to skip class with me is sweet. Other people see him as sour, but he’s sweet. He’s super sweet.

He does get mad once in a while, but he always calms down when he’s with me. I like that. It’s the one good thing I do, really. It’s something other than worrying.

I’m not going to get a spot, I know I’m not. Our school is fairly big, and there are only 22 spots open. I think Connor might get in. If he does, I’m joining stage crew. It’s better, it’s behind the scenes, there’s not as much to mess up (although a little), I won’t have to talk in front of people, I’ll get to hang out with Connor, and my mom with be happy and she’ll think I’m doing things.

She thinks I’m doing things right now. It’s pretty late, I guess. Around eleven. My mom is actually home. We’re just kind of hanging out. I’m typing this letter and she’s drinking tea and reading an old lady romance book. She brought home cinnamon rolls.

A while ago she noticed me smiling at my computer. I guess I don’t do that often. I was at the part where I was typing about maybe Connor likes me. I would actually die if he did. If he did… things would be perfect.

But I can’t let him, and obviously, he won’t try, because look at me. I’m a fucking mess. It still would be kind of nice if he did like me. Even if I wouldn’t let him.

Anyway, life is pretty okay right now. It hasn’t been that way for a while.

Sincerely,  
Me

 

journal entry #742

journal. today was another day with evan. evan is fucking great. i kind of love him a lot and im trying to get over it because i don't want to mess things up like i did with miguel. journal, you remember what i was like when i was trying to get over miguel. i assume you do not want words like that in your lines again. so that’s why i cannot love or like or feel anything except friendship love for evan. why would he like me, anyway? why does he like me, why does he hang out with me? if there were others he could hang out with, would he pick me? i hope he would. i would pick him.

why, you may be asking, journal. well, what is there not to choose? i like his hair, all poofy and adorable. and his smile, when something makes him laugh, i love it, especially when that someone who makes him laugh is me.

but youve heard all of these things before, journal. there are countless (well, not entirely countless. ive counted all of these journal entries. but you know what i mean, right? mostly countless) entries about evan and his eyes and his smile and his cheeks and how hes a little chubby, but only enough to make his cheeks so squishy. ive restrained myself and only poked those cheeks one time. maybe two.

hes just so cute, and i kind of love him. yeh. i love him. wow. okay. i hope evan never reads this. ever. i should put a sign on the cover and make it say “under no circumstances should evan read this.” really, no one should be reading this because its my journal. still, there is too much evan related activity in here.

journal, i am sorry about all this. in a few months, i will either be dead or evan will have moved on, and you line will be saved from my pathetic little love.

-cm (who else)


	14. The Audition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The audition! Connor and Evan try out for Our Town!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy reading! I hope you like this chapter. I know it's a little short, but fuck it.

“The cast list will be put up on Monday,” the woman in charge of the auditions says after she announces that they have evaluated everyone well. The assistant director girl next to her has her hands clamped over her crotch and was rocking back and forth on the toes of her feet like a little excited boy. “Thanks for trying out, everyone!”

The tryouts were over. Thank fucking God. Evan and Connor had entered the auditorium after school ended. Evan was very nervous. To say the least, he did not want to try out. But he was doing it for Connor, that’s what he always told himself in his head. For Connor, for Connor.

They all went up once to read from a passage for a minute or two. Evan was one of the first up. He spoke shakily and stuttered on every other word. He could feel people laughing at him. He couldn’t hear, though. His mean little ears were centered on his dumb, shaky, stuttering little voice that was hardly filling the air. In the rare moments he looked up, he saw the director leaning forward, straining to hear Evan. He also saw Connor, who was doing one of those cringy smiles that said “you’re doing great except for the fact that everything you’re doing is bad but you’re still my friend.” Connor was so cute. That’s all that was keeping him up there on that stage. Connor. For Connor, he told himself, for Connor. For Connor.

When the eternity ended and his passage was all done and read, the director did a pathetic little clap and said “Thank you, Evan…?” There was a dark-skinned curly-haired girl sitting next to the director, smiling at everyone, even Evan. She was taking notes. It looked like she was some sort of assistant director.

Some other kids smiled a little smile that made Evan redden even more and did a little air clap, to be supportive. Connor stood up and clapped as hard as he could.  
“Hell yeah, Evan! Well done!”

Evan blushed despite himself. He really loved this little-well, big. Connor was quite tall-bean. It just sucked that he could never really admit it. Besides that weird song they sang. But he still grinned at Connor, even though his stomach was churning like taffy in a whatever-makes-taffy machine. And he might have felt a nervous shit coming on. And up there, on the stage, he felt tears in his eyes. He didn’t let them fall. He tried to save what dignity he had left after this experience. He just grinned at Connor and sat down next to him while the next person got called up.

It was a long time until Connor got called up-almost an hour. In that time, they tried to talk, only to get shushed by the people around them. So they took out their phones and texted. Texted weird things, just random things about the people who were going up. It made Evan smile, making fun of these people, no matter how bad that sounds. Connor was just funny, saying these things about people he didn’t know.

It was sort of like a payback thing. All these people had made fun of Connor to his face and behind his back. All of them are kind of dicks. What would they think if they heard these things Connor was saying? Connor would probably laugh in their face, Evan thinks.

It just makes Evan a little happier than he had a minute before. It’s things like these texts that sometimes make Evan just want to turn and lean over and plant a quick one on Connor’s lips, sometimes. But he never does. And neither does Connor, and Connor basically does what he wants. So, Evan reasons, if Connor had wanted to kiss Evan by now, he would have.

During that hour that flies by because of their fun, they both download Snapchat, only for each other. Evan had never had Snapchat before because he didn’t want another place to not have any messages or anybody paying attention to him. Connor doesn’t really have any social media.

They send each other just weird pictures of themselves, with different filters and stickers. They laugh out loud, do a real life lol, and when they do, the assistant director girl turns around and glares at them until the entire auditorium full of people turns too, and Evan blushes and Connor tries not to laugh anymore.

The, finally, Connor gets called up. Connor is recognized by the assistant director girl and she gives a little smirk as if she knows who Connor is, which she probably does, she definitely does, and she knows how terribly Connor is going to do.

Then Connor hops on the stage - fuck stairs - and picks up a script. He looks the assistant girl right in the eye and starts reading perfectly. Evan is awed by how he never stutters or even has to repeat a line with a laugh like a lot of the other people here had to. He reads for a full minute and a half straight without stuttering. He even, sometimes, looks up from the script to the audience for an entire sentence (a sentence!). The whole time, while he’s reading, he’s looking up at the director and that assistant girl. With the lines that are sad, he frowns and looks off into the distance, as if he were really feeling sad. And when there were happy parts, he smiles and laughs. When there are angry lines, he is angry. It’s like this script is his favorite song that he knows all the words to, and he is singing it perfectly.

When he’s done, there’s a sort of stunned silence. Then the director starts and some other kids do too. Even the assistant girl does, grudgingly. And Connor puts on a firm grimace and hops off the stage like nothing just happened.

“You did great,” Evan says softly when Connor strides over. Evan puts up both of his hands to high five, and Connor does. And laces his fingers through Evan’s.

And he smiles, a little. Just a little. And Evan falls apart, in a good way. He just wants this man so much. And… he can’t. Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you find Alana?


	15. Journal #744

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor's entry in his journal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this chapter ;) Happy reading

journal entry #744

journal. i kissed evan. and then i ran away. things are screwed. and i get to kill myself multiple times. it’s great. evan’s going to be there. is that a good or bad thing? i have no idea about any of this, except for the fact that i never want to see his face again. i mean, i do, journal, i do. i want him to smile at me just like he did before i gave in. but i cant, otherwise i might kiss him again and that would be bad. we would be in a relationship and everyone knows every relationship i get myself into turns out bad.

sometimes i cant help but think that maybe this relationship might be okay? But i seriously cant do it. i wont. i really cant.

my hand is cramping. im going. no more evan talk.

until tomorrow (maybe)

-cm (who else)


	16. The Kiss Leading To The Orchard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan remembers the kiss, Connor remembers the kiss, and then Connor invites Evan to the orchard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit long, but idc

Evan is lying in bed, just staring at the ceiling, trapped in his sheets.

What the fuck had happened? He replayed it for the millionth time in his head.

After school, they had gone to the auditorium where the cast list was supposed to be posted. There was a crowd of theater nerds around it. Some kids were laughing and hugging their friends, some were sad, one was even crying, and they were all looking at Connor funny. Even funnier than they normally did. And they were looking at Evan funny by association like they always do. He still didn’t like it, but he was getting used to it. Kind of.

Evan walked up to the list and saw that his name wasn’t on the list like he knew it wouldn’t be. But something caught his eye. It was “Connor Murphy” right next to “Simon Stimson.”

“Connor!” Evan whispered. “Look!” And he pointed to Connor’s name. He was just so happy that Connor had gotten cast.

Connor looked at the list and smiled a small smile. Then he looked at Evan and smiled more. And Evan swore he could count, in that small moment, all of his cute little subtle freckles. There were three freckles next to each other on his left cheek near the corner of his eye. There was one on the side of his nose, and two by his nostril. God, Evan liked his nose. That sounds creepy, but he does. And there were some sprinkled lightly across his cheekbones. And Evan loved all of them. Like he loved Connor.

And then Evan saw Connor’s eyes soften, and he leaned forward and softly kissed Evan on the lips. Evan was so surprised. Connor’s hands lightly rested on Evan’s shoulders.  
Did it really happen? Was Evan sure it wasn't a dream? Evan wasn't sure, however, that he could make up such a beautiful thing.

It lasted for a second, maybe two. And then Connor pulled away, and Evan didn’t even have a chance to close his eyes and enjoy it and maybe kiss back.

Connor’s eyes hardened and widened. Then he turned red, did an about-face, and stalked out of the room, maybe pushing over a few people in the way.

And Evan was just standing there, hand over his mouth, and feeling the absence of Connor’s lips. Everyone had stood and stared and now it felt like they were closing in on Evan. First, he had a terrible audition, and now he had gotten kissed by Connor Murphy.

He had gotten kissed by Connor Murphy!

This was good, kind of, because this meant that Connor liked him. That Connor wanted to kiss Evan. And maybe he would do it again…?

But when they sang that damn song, a whole week ago, he had said they couldn’t be in a relationship. Why was that? Connor probably knew how problematic Evan is, and that’s why. This kiss was just a fluke. Just an “in-the-moment” thing. And it would never happen again.

And it can’t happen again, because Connor really doesn’t know what he would be getting himself into. He may think he can see Evan’s anxiety and sadness right now, but that is only the tip f the iceberg. There’s so much more underneath that Evan would never let Connor see. And if they got together, then Connor would have to see it. And then he would say, oh, shit, what is this? I’m going to run away screaming now because there is no way in hell I want to be stuck with this trash for the rest of my life. And then Evan will be heartbroken because he would think that maybe Connor could handle it and then it turns out he can’t.

And every time he looks down at his fucking arm, he sees CONNOR.

And he’s tangled up in his sheets with the cast hidden so he doesn’t have to see it and remember what happened and why it won’t happen again. Well, think about it any more than he is. What else is there to think about when Connor Murphy, your only friend, and the person you’re sort of kind of really in love with, kisses you?

Why does he have to go and have feelings right at this moment? Or at any moment in the last few weeks? Can’t he just have one real friend without fucking it up?

Apparently not. He can’t even… he can’t even kill himself without messing it up.

Maybe… maybe he should try it again.

But then there’s something in his head that pokes him and says “hey, Connor must have kissed you for some reason. And that reason could be that he likes you. And when he finds out that you’ve killed yourself, what will he do? Probably kill himself, too. Or be very sad, and do you want Connor to be sad because of you?”

No, Evan doesn’t. He’s probably already caused Connor too much grief in the last two weeks. He probably couldn’t handle Evan being gone.

Not that Evan is so important to Connor. But he was important enough to be kissed.

God, Evan needed to stop thinking about this.

So he puts on some meditation music his mom downloaded for him and falls asleep after about an hour.

Until he hears a bzz, bzz coming from his bedside stand.

\-----

Oh, God. Connor is walking out of the building, and it’s nippy outside for the middle of September, but he hardly notices. All he can notice is how he just fucking kissed Evan Hansen, basically the guy of his dreams. And now everything is ruined because now Evan knows that Connor is interested in a relationship.

Is Connor interested in a relationship?

With Evan, he is. He totally is. What he’s not interested in is hurting Evan. Which he will definitely do.

But he really wants to kiss Evan again. Because he really liked the feeling of Evan’s lips on his, even though Evan wasn't kissing back. He knew Evan was a Nervous Boi™ and couldn’t...

And then his sister is waiting for him as she told him she would. He hopped in shotgun and sighed.

Was he okay with hurting Evan? Absolutely not. But maybe… he wouldn’t. Maybe he could sit down with Evan and explain things and things would be okay?

Or maybe Evan would run away screaming.

Or maybe he wouldn’t.

He could take Evan to the orchard, sit under a tree (not climb it, because of Evan’s hand), and just talk it out.

Maybe they would kiss again.

And that’s really all Connor can hope for.

“Why are you so happy?”

It was Zoe, talking to him for the first time in days.

She was looking at the road, not Connor.

“I, uh, what?”

Zoe finally looked at Connor and raised a brow at him.

“You’re smiling. I haven’t seen that out of you in years.”

Her eyes turned to the road.

Connor raised a hand to his lips, and they were curled. Weird.

“I guess so…”

Connor looked out the window at the rolling trees and smiled even more.

“It’s because of that Ethan boy, right?”

“Evan,” Connor immediately corrected.

Connor looked at her and saw her roll her eyes.

“Whatever.”

Connor went back to smiling and looking out the window.

A minute of silence, and then…

“You like him.”

Connor turns to Zoe fast. He felt his face go hot.

“What?”

Zoe smirks.

“You. Like. Him.”

“Well, of course, I like him, he’s my friend and we have fun together-”

Zoe laughs. “Nah… like him, like him.” Then she tilts her head towards Connor. “Maybe even love…”

Connor gets hot, hot, hot. He and Zoe haven’t had a conversation like this in years and years. “I… don’t… you don’t even…”

“Oh, I know what love is, Connor.”

Connor looks over, and is that a tinge of red on Zoe’s cheeks?

“Maybe…” Connor whispers as he stares out the window.

The conversation is over, but Connor can feel Zoe’s smile.

Later that night, Connor is sitting on the floor of his carpeted room, examining the script and worrying about. Evan is supposed to be the one who woies. Although, Connor doesn’t want him to worry. He wants Evan to be okay. Preferably okay with Connor.

Apparently, Connor only has seven lines in the play. He shows up a lot more, though. And a paragraph speech.

He tries to look at his lines, but his mind wanders to Evan. He had said earlier that if Connor got in (which Evan assured him he would), then he would join stage crew. So this means that they could spend a lot of time together.

Evan.

Just Evan’s name in Connor’s head makes Connor go crazy.

Alright. Here goes nothing.

Connor: wanna go to an orchard sometime. i know the place. we can talk there.

Connor put his phone down. It was pretty late, and Evan probably wouldn’t respond. So he got undressed for bed, climbed under the covers, laid his head on his pillow, and heard a buzz coming from his phone.

Evan: Great, sounds good.

Okay, okay, so Evan responded and he sounded okay. He wants to talk. Okay, okay. What time is it? The alarm clock in his room showed 11:38. Maybe his mom would still be up?

And there she was, sitting in the living room, reading under a lamp. Some trashy romance novel.

“Can you drive Evan and me to the old apple orchard we used to go to after school tomorrow?” he says softly from the stairs.

Cynthia looks up from her reading glasses and it takes a second for her to recognize Connor. “Oh,” she smiles, probably because Connor has a friend and that friend is not a drug-dealing “gangsta” but instead a good person. “Sure.” She smiles even more.

Connor nods his head and starts to walk back up the stairs. “Good night!” Cynthia calls.

“Good night,” Connor whispers.

And once he’s settled back in his bed, he texts Evan.

Connor: want to come home with me after school tomorrow and head over there? cynthia is driving

A minute and multiple of those dots pop up, and then he replies.

Evan: I’d love to. I can’t climb trees, though.

Connor laughs.

Connor: that’s okay. im not going to climb trees. im going to talk to you.

He can feel Evan blush from his house far away from his. And maybe he blushes a little, too. Just a little.

He can’t wait until tomorrow.

And maybe this time tomorrow, Connor can really kiss Evan.

Connor really hopes so.


	17. Staring Through A Window

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan stares at Connor and there is a Moment With Jared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Please comment and leave kudos if you haven't already. I love y'all so much, in the online way, you know. Thanks so much for being here. 100 kudos (what's the plural of kudos?), wow!

Evan was standing in his first-period class, staring out the window. His bus always got to school before Connor arrived, and lately, he liked to watch Connor arrive, in a totally not creepy way. He just liked to see Connor in his natural habitat.

Right now Connor was walking into school with his hood up and his hands in his pocket. Evan could see his long brown hair flying out of his hood. He loved it.

And then Connor stopped. And looked up, right at Evan. Connor smiled and rolled his eyes and continued walking. Evan blushed and slid away from the window as Connor strode away. And then he watched Connor open the door to the school. And smiled. And then saw Jared standing in the doorway.

“Hey, hey, hey, lovebird.”

Evan blushed even more. “I-I’m not a love… bird…”

Jared leaned against the frame. “Well, I just saw you staring at Mr. School Shooterrr…” He dragged the “r.”

With a rush of anger, Evan said, in a loud voice (for Evan, of course), “Connor is not a school shooter. He’s really sweet, and kind, and his freckles, and his smile, and his hair, and-” in the middle of counting on his fingers, he looked up and saw Jared smirking at him. Evan was only proving Jared’s point. “So… so maybe I like, like him a little bit…”  
“M-kaaaaay.” And then he pushed himself off the doorframe and into the hall.

Evan went back to staring out the window. He was glad there was no one else in the room, not even his teacher. Connor was gone, but he still looked out. He saw the places Connor had been and wanted to be there.

He was just looking, just thinking about Connor, just thinking about his dozen freckles. Like, how can someone have just a dozen freckles? Evan was just thinking about their date-thing tonight. Can he even call it a date? I mean, Connor didn’t say anything about it being a date. Maybe it’s not a date. Maybe it’s just a friends-hanging-out-thing. But the message did seem a bit flirty. But maybe Connor flirts with everyone. And Evan’s not special. Because he’s not. And-

Connor is in the doorway. He’s smiling, and when Evan looks over he tries to hide it by looking away.

“You looked worried,” Connor says while walking forward with a small smile on his face and maybe a little red. “Why?”

“I…” Evan hops onto the counter by the window and fiddles with his cast, absentmindedly tracing over CONNOR. “I was thinking about going to… the orchard.”

Connor has reached the counter and hops up next to Evan with a little smile. He brings his whole body up, with his feet by Evan and his arms wrapped around his knees. Evan shifts his hips to face Connor. “Are you excited?” His hood is down and his hair is floating arund his ears. Connor reaches up to tuck his hair behind his ear, revealing a freckle by his ear.

Evan is obsessed with his hair and his freckles and his face and his smile and his voice. But Evan would like him no matter what he looked like. Even if he looked like… Jared. Although that’s… not exactly a sight for sore eyes, and Connor would probably have plastic surgery if he looked like Evan’s “little nerd guy,” as Connor likes to call Jared.

“I-I mean, yes…” Evan starts, staring at the door, waiting for someone to come in and see him and Connor together. Not that Evan doesn’t want to be seen with Connor, and he has gotten used to the looks he gets, but this is a moment that is for Connor and Evan, and Evan doesn’t want some kid walking in and sneering at them. “I… I’m kind of nervous, though…”

Connor lets his legs fall and slides closer to Evan. His hands grip his knees, and it looks like he’s evaluating his nails, which look like they were freshly painted, in black, of course. Evan likes his nails. His hands look strong and steady, even more so with the polish. There’s a borderline of hair between Evan and Connor. “Why’s that?” Connor asks while he swings his head gently, breaking the border.

There’s just this look on Connor’s face, it’s sort of a smirk, but also a smile. And Evan knows that a smirk is a smile, but it’s more of a friendly smile. Or maybe a flirty smile. And then Evan realized that he is smiling too. It’s not Connor’s smile, but more of a smile that says he’s happy to be with Connor, which he is.

He’s definitely happy to be with him, which is why he’s nervous for their… whatever they’re doing tonight. Whatever Evan is supposed to call it.

There should be some sort of middle term for something that’s not quite a date, but also not just a friends-hanging-out-thing. Something for two people who like each other but aren’t dating yet. Like those dumb middle school relationships where they both like each other but just swim around their feelings with each other for days until they just stop swimming in the same direction or it’s obvious that one read into the other wrong and breaks.

Evan doesn’t want to break or swim away or have Connor swim away, and that’s why he’s nervous. Because maybe this is Connor’s swimming away moment. Where he leads Evan on and makes him think that there’s anything about Evan that is good, and then says “haha, just kidding, you’re totally worthless and nobody likes you, not even me, the school shooter, the printer-thrower, the one who no one likes.” Maybe since the beginning, Connor has been looking for someone to fuck with, and Jared just gave him an opportunity. To fuck with Evan.

Or maybe he’ll say, “I really like you, Evan,” and then Evan will scream with happiness inside his head and do a happy dance inside his head, and Connor will see his eyes light up and grimace, because there’s more, and he’ll go on to say “but I can’t be with you because I don’t want to mess up our relationship.”

And that will break Evan because… because now he really just wants to be with Connor, not just next to him. He feels like he’d rather not have the heat of Connor next to him if he knew that he could have the heat on top of him. And that sounds sexual. But Evan doesn’t even really mean it that way.

So Evan says “I just hope, hope everything goes oh… okay…” And he smiles and stares into Connor’s eyes, hoping he will buy it, and then Connor smiles too and looks down at his lap.

“Me too.” Is that red on Connor’s cheeks?

Then the ringing of the bell is heard and Connor looks up at the clock, lays a hand on Evan’s knee, and says “See ya at lunch!” He slides off of the counter and walks out the door with a girl-ish look back and a wave.

Finally, Evan can bring his knees up and put his head between them and just grin at his lap, just like any other time he thinks about Connor. Today is going to be a great day with Connor.


	18. The Orchard Date (?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, well, well.................. :))))))))))) god this is exactly 2000 worsd fhdsijfhduvhfdkviudfs i love you all

Connor is waiting excitedly by Evan’s locker. He’s tapping his knuckles against the locker door and he’s sure he looks like a waiting boyfriend, but he doesn’t care, because that’s actually a nice thought when Evan is that boyfriend. And when he sees Evan walking down the hall, he feels himself bloom to Evan like a flower to the sun.

Oh, yes, Connor is in a GOOD MOOD. He hasn’t felt this way in a long time, not since Miguel, but that’s okay because this makes up for all of the bad times, the whole dark patch, because Miguel was swinging, and Evan is flying.

How different they are! Not just even Connor and Evan. but Miguel and Evan. Miguel smoked weed. Evan would never. It’s only been three-ish weeks but, oh, THIS IS GOOD. Maybe too good. It feels too good when he sees Evan see him and Evan smiles when he sees Connor.

Maybe this is bad, maybe Connor is too excited (and he’s not even high or drunk or anything, the only thing he’s high on is Evan, he’s drunk on Evan’s smell, oh, and he knows that when he lose Evan he’s gonna have a HELLA hangover but Connor doesn’t care, no sir, no ma’am, Connor wants to kiss this little boy. THAT SOUNDS PERVERTIVE but Connor doesn’t care), but who gives a fuck, not Connor.

Okay. Maybe it’s time for a chill pill. It’s time for a happy Connor medium. He needs to be just enough excited to get Evan excited and not nervous (or as nervous) but not too excited and bouncy and EVERYWHERE that Evan gets worried and runs away. There need to be no more capital letters. No more.

So Connor takes a deep breath, for Evan, and smiles at Evan as he’s leaning against his locker. He pushes himself up as Evan draws nearer and smiles a little more, looking down at Evan like he’s… well, like he’s Evan. He is Evan. This is Evan, right in front of Connor. How lucky Connor is.

Evan smiles up shyly as he unlocks his locker. He exchanges books and folders and notebooks and then he’s ready.

And there are really no words to say, and it’s a good silence, like they both know that there is good to come, like they both know that Connor is finally going to go for it. He is going to ask Evan out once and for all. If Evan says okay, then Connor will be able to smile at Evan whenever he wants and they can kiss and they can hug and Connor can touch Evan’s soft little kid hair that Connor just loves, and in these last few weeks, Connor has wanted to touch it so many times but stopped himself before he made a fool of himself, and now, he can touch it whenever the fuck he wants.

And if Evan says no, well, then he’ll just find the highest tree and jump head first. Both options Connor is totally fine with. Because Evan is literally all Connor is living for. And if Evan doesn’t want Connor, what is there to live for?

They walk out of the building and Cynthia’s car is waiting for them out front. Evan gets in the back and Connor decides to follow him, trying not to be rude and to leave him alone in the backseat.

Cynthia chatters about how school was, was Evan in the play, did they have good food for lunch, or did Evan bring his food from home, and Evan tries to keep up without stuttering.

It takes about fifteen minutes to get to the orchard. Connor knows Cynthia knows that the orchard is closed and that they’re going to have to break in, but Cynthia doesn’t say anything. Connor suspects that she’s just happy that Connor has a friend that doesn’t seem to do drugs.

“I’ll be around town, just text me when you guys are done!” And with that, Cynthia is off and Evan and Connor are out of the car.

As Connor starts to scale the fence, Evan says “Do we have to… break… in?”

Connor sits on the top of the fence and raises an eyebrow. He can feel his lips twitching to get off of his face and onto Evan’s. “Trees or no trees, Tree Man?”

Evan sighed and started climbing the fence, which was hard because of his cast, but Connor helped him. And they made it over. The first trial.

They had gone over the fence just into some trees. There wasn't a path or anything, but that was okay. Because when Evan walked, he touched that bark and he smiled a little more. Connor didn’t really hear him because he was so busy listening to his voice not stutter and watching his beautiful face smile to listen to his tree facts. He just really liked listening to him talk about something that he liked.

They’d been walking for about ten minutes through trees and shade and sunlight that went through Evan’s wispy hair that made Connor want to run his hands through it, preferably when they were passionately making out against a tree when Connor finally said “you wanna sit down?” And Evan blinked once with his beautiful eyelashes and sat under a tree in the shade. Connor took a seat next to him, about an inch away, so they were close, but not enough to make Evan even more nervous. He took a deep breath and smiled. It was time for the second trial.

“So…” he started, and for the first time, he couldn’t make himself look at Evan, so he stared at his feet instead. He just needed to put it all out there. “I really, really like you, Evan Hansen.” He could feel the blush coming off of Evan in waves. He almost laughed, but didn’t. “I like your smile when you do smile at me, and I like your eyes, they’re green, like the trees you love so much and… well, I think maybe I…” A deep breath. “I love you.” He looks up at Evan, and sure enough, he’s blushing. Connor definitely is too. “And it’s okay if you don’t love me or don’t like me. Because I really like you. I didn’t expect this to happen, I didn’t expect to like you, and I honestly didn’t want to, not because of you, but because of me.”

Connor twisted his body so he was facing Evan’s side. He knees were fucked up to his chin. “I… well, firstly, I don’t want to hurt you. I can’t promise I’ll live in this world forever, or even through the next year, but I really want to because of you. And that’s probably a lot of pressure to be putting on someone… but… yeah. I’m not hiding.  
“It was also because of past… things. I’ve been with this one guy before, and I really liked him, and I left him and I broke myself by getting too close. That… I told myself not to ever get into something like that again.

“But here you are. And that other guy…” Connor lifted his eyes from the ground, moved his legs into criss-cross position, and scooched up to connect knees with Evan.

“He doesn’t compare to you.”

Evan’s hands were in his lap, and he was smiling a little bit, and a tear was falling down his face. Without thinking twice, Connor reached up and wiped it away with his thumb and left his hand lightly wrapped around Evan’s face. They were keeping eye contact. And Connor could see flecks of gold, a little bit, in Evan’s eyes.

“Can I kiss you? For real?” Connor whispered. Evan blinked once, his lashes wet, and then closed his eyes again and didn’t open them, and Connor dove in.

Well, dove in is the wrong word for what Connor was doing. It was like he had shown up to the beach all ready to go swimming and had to get used to the water first. He tiptoed in, he kissed Evan lightly, at first. And then he was up to his ankles, and he was tilting his face and Evan was tilting his. And then he was knee deep and Connor was pushing forward for more and so was Evan. And he got used it and dove in then.

They ended up, somehow, laying on the grass with Evan’s head in Connor's chest, so still, like he was listening for a heartbeat, and Evan’s arms around him, and Connor’s arms around Evan’s waist.

Connor knows he’s being creepy when he tries to sniff Evan’s hair, and apparently, he didn’t do it cooly enough because Evan looks up and laughs.

“Did you just… sniff my hair?” There’s a sort of fire in his eyes, sparked with Connor.

“Maybe?” Connor says smugly, and then Evan laughs again, and Connor swears that his eyelashes make their own wind onto his face. Then Evan reaches his hands up to around Connor’s neck and they’re back at it again, just making out in an orchard that they broke into. Connor breaks off after a while to look at Evan, smiling enough so that Evan will maintain eye contact but not so much that it’ll be less serious of a moment.

“Will you… be my boyfriend?” And Evan blinks again and Connor knows that’s a yes and just laughs because EVAN HANSEN IS HIS BOYFRIEND. And then his brain starts flooding. “Can I tell Cynthia?” he asks, and Evan shifts up and presses his forehead to Connor’s and nods. Connor sees Evan close his eyes and closes his too. “Can we do… stuff… at school?” Connor can feel Evan smile as he nods. “Can we go on dates?” Nod. “Can I pull out chairs for you?” Nod. “Can I hug you from behind?” Nod.

“Will you join stage crew?” A few seconds, and then a nod. Another minute, and then Connor breathes a “thank you.”

After cuddling a couple of feet away from the tree for about ten minutes, Evan falls asleep, and soon Connor follows suit.

When Connor opens his eyes, Evan is kind of staring at him, but he likes it. “Hi…” he says with a smile.

“Hi,” Evan replies, and Connor leans in for a smiling kiss. When they pull apart, Evan says, “So.”

“So.”

“So…” Evan breathes in and looks down. “So, I love you, too.” Connor feels himself brighten up. “I… I guess I believed this shouldn’t happen, too, because… I felt like, I do feel like I would be a burden on you. And I don’t want to be a burden on you. I want you to feel like you don’t have to take care of me.” He looks up at Connor, and their eyes connect. “I… I’m crazy, Connor.” When Evan says “Connor,” a chill runs down Connor’s spine. He likes the way it feels rolling off of Connor’s tongue. “I really am and I don’t want to have to make you deal with that.”

Connor hugs Evan, lying down, and it’s like the time they accidentally slept in the same bed, except now they are boyfriends. For like an hour, but still. “You’re not crazy to me,” Connor says. “You are just right. And you’re not a burden. I would love to take care of you… I love you.”

Evan laughs tearfully. “I love you, too.”

And when they text Cynthia to pick them up, Connor climbs in the car and says “Cynthia, this is my boyfriend, Evan Hansen,” and Cynthia smiles and Evan blushes and smiles and Connor smiles. Evan’s cast is in between them in the back of the car and Connor holds hands with Evan as best as he can, and he feels happy for the first time in a long time. Happier than he was with Miguel.

He smiles and looks out the window and looks forward to all the things they will do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment please! also i use "and" exactly 867 times in this fanfic so wow


	19. It's A Public Bathroom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Connor go to the bathroom and Jared finds them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. Things have been crazy.

Connor smiles mischievously at Evan and gets out his phone. He starts typing and giving looks to Evan over his screen. Evan tries to peek over and see what he’s doing, but Connor pulls his phone away from his face and smirks. Evan pretends to pout. Then his phone buzzes.

Connor: wanna make out in a bathroom

Evan looks up and grins at Connor. Evan hasn’t felt this way in years and years. Happy, all happy. This is great. Nothing could ruin this feeling inside of him.

Connor leaps up and Evan follows. They hold hands walking inside from their little sanctuary, and Evan doesn’t even care that people are looking. He likes the feel of Connor’s strong hands in his.

They walk past the cafe hand in hand and to the nearest bathroom. Evan has this giddy feeling inside of him, like something big is going to happen, like nothing can top this feeling, and they’re not even making out yet. And then they are making out and it’s bliss, bliss, bliss right there in the handicapped stall since they need the room to move. They’re trying to be as quiet as possible in case anyone else is in here, which they checked, and no one was.

Connor is so great. He tastes like… the smell of rain. Kissing him is like standing out in the rain with your arms out, and you just don’t care that you’re getting drenched. It’s like watching a movie when it’s snowing and dark out in the middle of the day with your mom’s arm around (connected to her body, and alive, of course) you and you’re five and you don’t have a care in the world, only that Ariel finds her voice again and gets the prince or that Sleeping Beauty wakes up. His lips on yours make you feel warm, like a blanket.

And then they hear a “a-HEM…” coming from the sink area. Connor pulls back, his hands around Evan’s waist, with a look of confusion on his face. Evan is sure he has one of terror on his. Connor removes his hands and unlocks the door and peeks outside. Instantly, his face turns to a look of disgust.

“What are you doing here?” he growls, and Evan moves to open the door so he can see who it is. And there is Jared, leaning against the sinks and smirking. Then he moves his hands out to gesture the bathroom.

“It is a public bathroom…” That only makes Connor’s eyebrows dig farther down into his face. He and Evan are both standing in the door to the stall.

“What. Do. You. Want.”

Jared brings his hands back to his body and maybe… starts to look just a little nervous. “I was hoping I could talk to you, Connor.”

Connor crosses his arms and Evan puts a hand on the small of his back. “So speak.”

It’s clear by the glare that Jared sends Evan that he wants Evan out, so he scuttles out of the bathroom and back to their little corner, only now it doesn’t feel like a sanctuary. Now it feels like everyone is staring at him, alone and deserpate. And the grass was not as prickly before, was it? The sun couldn’t have been nearly as hot and there weren’t as many people, were there?

He curled up even tighter, ate his sandwich, and tried not to cry.

He sat like that until the bell rang and Connor wasn't back.

\-----

“What.” Connor said dully once Evan had left. He was leaning against the part of the stalls that were stable, outside of the stalls, and Jared was still leaning against the sink, although now he looked a little more serious. Who knew that Jared was capable of such things?

“Well…” He paused to figuratively twiddle his thumbs. He gave a good look to Connor. “You guys are together now, huh?” He even looked a little sad.

“Yeah. You got a problem with that?” Jared laughed at that.

“Connor, I know who you are,” Jared said as if he was some sort of undercover spy. He wasn’t named Naomi Rodriguez. “You are not a good person.” Jared chuckled again. “Why would Evan want to be with you?” Connor tried to keep an angry face, but Jared’s words got to him. Why would Evan want to be with him?

Connor rolled his eyes. “Well, we’re together. And maybe I’m not like I am with you, an asshole, like I am with him. Because he is the opposite of an asshole. He’s kind, and sweet, and when I’m around him I want to be like that too, so if I’m a bad person, then you’re even worse, so get off my fucking back. I don’t even know why you’re concerned, family friend.” And with that, Connor turns to leave the restroom.

Until he hears a “wait!” from Jared. He turns around to give Jared a look, and then he sees the look on Jared’s face. It’s a mix between sadness and regret. He decides to give Jared a second chance. “Wait, I, um…” he traces his hand with the other. “I had a crush on Evan for a long time…” Then he looked up at Connor with what might be real emotion in his eyes. Maybe.

Connor crosses his arms and bulks up. “So, you’re saying since you’ve liked him longer I have to give him up?” He feels an eyebrow raise on his face and his head lean forward.  
“No, no, no no…” God, he didn’t have to say it like Connor was going to come after him if Evan wanted to be with him. Evan could be with who he wanted. And hopefully that someone would always be Connor. “No, I just…” Distressed Jared. Connor wishes he brought his phone to take a picture of this. “Evan is so… nice.”

“I know.”

“And smart.”

“I know.”

“And everything you could hope for in someone.”

“I. Know.”

“He’s sensitive.”

“Jared… I know.”

“He’s also broken.”

“I… No, he’s not.”

“Yes, he is.” Jared steps forward like he knows everything about Evan.

“No, he is not.” Connor takes a step forward, too, knowing he knows more, and cares more. “He’s not all the way put together, I will say that, but who is?” The door creaks open and a little freshie walks in. Connor spins around and glares at him, and it’s half a second and then he’s sprinting out the door. He spins around again. “I’m cracked, Jared, and you’re cracked. So is he. He can still be put together, and so can I, and so can you. I’m helping him with that, and he’s helping me. That’s what boyfriends do. That’s also what friends do. Good thing you’re only a family friend.”

Jared deflates, and Connor is sure he’ll never see Jared like this again. “Just… be careful, okay?”

The bell rings.

“I am.”

\-----

It’s a work day in Evan and Connor’s fourth period English class. There was typing all around, and it sounded like rain, with only Evan’s desk, where he was not typing, as an umbrella. Connor and Evan had made eye contact a few times but didn’t really talk.

The typing noises surrounded Evan, and made him feel like he was trapped. He wanted to talk to Connor, but it was a silent period, and their teacher would kill them if anyone spoke a word.

Instead of doing work, Evan organized his Google Drive and checked his email. Lying there was an email from Connor.

From: Connor Murphy  
To: Evan Hansen  
were u aware that jared liked u? or maybe likes (present tense)?


	20. Connor And Jared Are Jealous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared thinks, Evan talks to Connor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is super short and i havent been writing a lot. i will post more i think

Jared felt terrible. He felt like this all the time. He was an asshole to people to show he didn’t need them, but oh, how he did.

It felt like everything was slipping away from him. I mean, he finally figured out his sexuality, but then that guy at camp broke up with him, saying some shit he couldn’t do long distance. He thought he could still have Evan in his grip, but no, here’s fucking Connor Murphy.

How could Evan think Connor is better than Jared is? Jared is trying to respect his desition, but it’s so hard. It’s only been a fucking day, but seeing them sit together and go into the bathroom together and then… hearing their noises… the noises that Jared and Evan should have been making.

If only Jared wasn't an asshole. If he could go back a month and not say anything to Connor, no school shooter chic. Evan would still be his.

Ugh. Evan was never really Jared’s. Why did he have to make up the dumb family friends name? Why… Jared, how could you do this to yourself?

He’s just lying on his bed, thinking, thinking, thinking about how he can handle this. It’s so obvious that Evan really likes Connor, Jared’s seen the way he looks at Connor, in a way that Evan has never looked at Jared.

It kind of hurts. Of course, it does. Evan is great. Evan is wonderful. But is Connor? What does Evan see in him?

Jared knows he shouldn’t try to come between Evan and Connor, that he had his chance to try to get Evan and he threw it away, and that Evan can make his own choices. But sometimes it’s just kind of hard, especially when it’s right in front of your face.

\-----

Zoe was taking Connor and Evan home, so Evan was hanging out at Connor’s locker, waiting for him to get there. When he walked down the hallway, Evan smiled, but Connor didn’t. What had been happy in love butterflies were now knives.

“What’s up?” Evan asked nervously as soon as Connor was close enough. Connor looked at Evan and didn’t say anything. He started to unlock his locker. This was about the Jared thing.

“I… I don’t like Jared, Connor,” Evan started, putting a hand on his arm. “I love you, not him. He’s… he’s kind of mean to me, and I knew that he liked me, but that was a long time ago. And, and even if it was now, I wouldn’t… leave you.”

Connor turned to Evan and exhaled. “Okay.”

Connor and Evan held each other’s hands, both of them, across from each other. “Okay?”

“Okay, I know. I know you would never… I trust you, and I love you, but who I don’t love is Jared. That whole family friends thing really fucks me up.” And then Connor’s hair falls in his face and he tries to blow it out, which does nothing. Evan laughs. Connor is so cute, especially when he is like he is now, with his face kinda red and smiling at how happy Evan is.

Evan is happy. He doesn’t care that Jared might still like him, because Evan likes Connor. He wants to scream it to the hallway, I LIKE CONNOR. Evan loves Connor.  
They stand there and kiss until Zoe finds them.


	21. Sweetheart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe talks to Connor, and we're going to forget that Zoe knows anything about Connor and Evan, mkay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I'm sorry about this, I feel dead without the office exhdsgfudihfudhksu gah
> 
> if u want my tumblr im on there now so hmu
> 
> comment if youd like it

Connor is at home, just hanging out, reading a book in his bed, when those special notes play on his phone that means Evan is calling.

"Hey, boo,” Connor says, chucking the book across the room and lying back on his bed, closing his eyes, waiting for the sweet sound of Evan’s voice.

“Hi, um, you are in the play, right?” Evan is very hesitant and nervous. Connor is sure to speak with a soft voice that he wasn't even sure he was capable of.  
“Yeah, why?”

A pause. “I… was thinking of maybe joining… stage crew?” Another pause. “If that’s okay with you…”

“That’s more than okay, sweetheart…” Connor is so focused on being supportive and nice and a boyfriend that he doesn’t even notice what is coming out of his mouth. “Wow, okay, that was weird, I’m sorry, okay.”

“No…” A pause and Connor can definitely hear a smile coming from Evan, and maybe himself. “No, I like it. I like you.” And there’s the blushing, coming from Evan, also. It’s so real like he can feel it on his face. Almost as if he’s blushing.

Connor laughs. “I like you, too… I like you so much, my face breaks into a smile every time I see you, Evan, and I’ve never blushed until I met you. I like you so much. You’re the only one who has ever been in my room, Evan, did you know that? You are the only one-”

And then his romance is interrupted by a voice outside the door. “CONNOR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?”

Zoe.

Connor mutters an “Evan, gimme a minute” into the phone and stomps over to open the door. There is Zoe. Yay.

Connor is definitely blushing now, half because of Evan, half because of Zoe eavesdropping. What did she hear? Everything?

“Why are you blushing?” That only makes him blush more.

Zoe, looking cute as always, in jeans, which have to be marked with pen, and a cute little pink blouse. Do people even call them blouses? Gah. And mismatching fuzzy socks. Of course. She’s crossing her arms and glaring at him, leaning on one leg, letting the other foot out and loose.

“Who were you talking to?”

Connor folds his arms and tilts his chin up. “A friend.”

“A friend, sweetheart?”

Clenching his teeth, he walks back into his room and is ready to slam the door in her face when she says “no, wait, I really just want to know who your boyfriend is.”

Connor does not slam the door in her face, but he does not let her in. Maybe because he senses a little bit of urgency in her voice.

“Why.”

“Because, ugh,” she needs to find her words. “Because you haven’t been as mean lately and I want to know why.” He doesn’t say anything. “So… why?”

Connor sighs. “His name is Evan Hansen, and we’ve been together for literally ONE DAY, but we’re madly and deeply in love, so go away.”

Zoe is surprised. Whatever. Fuck her. Connor has to talk to Evan.

“Hey, sweetheart, sorry about that,” he smiles, just saying things into a phone that he knows will get to Evan. “So, having trouble without me?”

Evan laughs. “I need my sweetie, what can I say?”


	22. Evan Has Connor :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan comes out to his mom, and Evan summarizes his relationship with Connor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... guys... this could be the end and it could not... i have more ideas in my head in case i want it to go on... maybe i want it to be over? im not sure, im just going to think about it for a while. if you want more, please comment to let me know. and hey, i have a tumblr, my user is art-writing-and-gay-musicals. i just joined so i have no followers,so if you could follow that would be pretty cool. also, if you follow me, please let me know that you like this fanfic so i can thank you and get to know you better! thanks for reading and let me know if you want this to go on or not.
> 
> edit: yes this is the end, but only of this fic, there is a sequel, this is now a series, please read I Didn't Mean To. thank you all, friends!!!!!! catch me on tumblr!

A week passes and then the next week arrives, and rehearsals start. Evan tags along with Connor to see if maybe he can be on stage crew. And, of course, spend more time with Connor.

This last week has been amazing. They’ve been together for, what, a week? But it already feels like a lifetime, and even that feels like it’s not enough. It feels like nothing will ever be enough for Evan. And that feeling is so, so good.

Every time they walk down the hallway holding hands, Evan can hardly look Connor in the eye because he feels so good, like there’s a little light inside of him just shining, shining only for Connor, because of Connor. Every time they sit in the courtyard and just talk, with Connor’s arm strung over Evan’s shoulders, body to body, soul to soul, the light grows, and grows, and grows.

It doesn’t matter who’s looking or judging or making fun of them. Are they in love with someone who is sweet and protective and… everything Connor is? No, Evan thinks not, because Evan has Connor, Evan has Connor, EVAN HAS CONNOR.

He wants to scream that to everyone who has ever given them a weird look, either because they’re gay or because… well… Connor is… Connor. And not that that’s a bad thing, because if Connor wasn't Connor and Connor wasn't here, then Evan would still be a sad little bean under Jared’s spell.

And maybe he had judged Jared, too. Jared liked Evan, for a little bit there. If Jared had been a little nicer, would Evan have fallen for him?

We’ll never know.

And it hardly even matters, because Jared wasn't nice. He still kind of isn’t nice. He’s trying, maybe, trying to get better.

But it won’t change the fact that Connor and Evan are together and Evan is happier than he’s ever been with Jared, happier than he’s ever been in his whole life! Even Heidi noticed, one night at dinner when Evan was smiling into his grilled cheese sandwich blushingly.

“Kiddo…” she said that night. “What are you smiling about?”

Evan looked up, still smiling, because his vision was clouded with thoughts of Connor. “Mom…” he said quietly, but loud enough for Heidi to hear. “I have a boyfriend…”  
The look on Heidi’s face was, at first, surprise, but only for a second, and the next second her face split into a smile. “Oh, Evan!” She put her own grilled cheese down and reached for Evan’s hands. It didn’t matter that they were all greasy, both of their hands. It only mattered that they were happy, both of them. Truly happy. “I remember when I had my first boyfriend…” she said while looking into Evan’s eyes, as if remembering. “His name was Dan, and he was tall and wonderful… so funny…” Evan kind of wondered how they ended, how their relationship burned. It didn’t really matter, though, in the long run. “What’s his name? What’s he like?” Heidi asked Evan softly.

Evan laughed and looked down at the table, feeling Heidi’s gaze. “Well…” he started. “He’s really sweet and surprising… and he’s funny, too… and he is tall, and has long hair that is so soft, and it kind of reminds me of butter, but it doesn’t smell like butter, it smells like a rainy breeze… you know?”

And when Evan looks up into Heidi’s eyes, Heidi says “I know.”

Evan blushes. “His name is Connor…”

“Evan and Connor…”

“Yeah…” It felt good in Heidi’s mouth.

And now Evan and Connor walk into the auditorium, hand in hand, ready for whatever words that come out of other people’s mouths that don’t sound so wonderful.


End file.
